"After Iraq I just don't trust the little cocksucker."

"...We ain't pullin' out of Iraq until she's good and fucked. And that means when them 14 U.S. bases are in place. We don't give shit on shrimp cocktail about Iraqis handling their own fuckin' affairs. Cheney wants those 14 bases to protect the oil and natural gas and control the water. Once those fuckers are in place, Sunnis, Kurds, Shi'ites. They can fuckin' cut each others' heads off to Rumsfeld's delight. Same deal with Social Security. Let the devil take the hindmost with that bunch of gangsters in Washington," commented the manager of the local Prosthetics Are Us, Jimmy Legg.
The Assassinated Press
Truth Carries Undesirable Subliminal Message:
With Iraq Lies Bush Shot Wad With Ghetto Inhabitants Near Texas Spread:
Americans Skeptical On Social Security Because Of Lies About Iraq:
Rove Admits Iraq/Social Security Linkage Poorly Gamed; Orders Bush To Fall On The Ceremonial Butter Knife Unwashed After A Republican Fundraiser

The Assassinated Press
April 15, 2005

WEIKO, Texas If President Bush's Social Security hustle is going to ring bells anywhere, it ought to be a hit with the Better Investment Group of Weiko, which meets once a month at Adam Earwicker's Rib Shack to discuss earnings growth over charity fatback and beans.

The group, which calls itself the BIG joy luck schlub club, is dedicated to the proposition that individual investors can and should profit handsomely from putting some of their savings into the stock market. "We've been at it for 40 years and though we're destitute, we still believe its possible," said club treasury Percy Walleye as the aromatic esperanto of digested beans permeated the room.

That kind of stick-to-it-tiveness is exactly what Bush's handlers are proposing as part of what they call 'his' still-emerging con for addressing who should hold Social Security's funds in case something goes drastically wrong and the country comes a lynchin' at Lafayettte Square. Younger workers, he has been told to say, should be able to divert a portion of their payroll taxes into personal accounts containing stock and bond mutual funds. In return, their traditional Social Security benefits would be trimmed enough to leave every retiring American in short pants. But the personal accounts would build up over time, Bush was told to say, and would supplement traditional benefits on retirement of those wealthy Wall Street types that the good people of BIG only know through the fiery Sunday sermons of their preachers and the History Channel series Nazi Gold. Yet here in Bush's central Texas stamping ground his Crawford ranch is nearby some BIG members have misgivings about the president's proposal because they know what a shit bag little liar the fucker has proven to be with his Iraq shit and all and the fact that 6 bag boys at the Piggly Wiggly have lost limbs so Dick Cheney can run up the price of oil.

"I mean give me a fuckin' break. We ain't pullin' out of Iraq until she's good and fucked. And that means when them 14 U.S. bases are in place. We don't give shit on shrimp cocktail about Iraqis handling their own fuckin' affairs. Cheney wants those 14 bases to protect the oil and natural gas and control the water. Once those fuckers are in place, Sunnis, Kurds, Shi'ites. They can fuckin' cut each others heads off to Rumsfeld's delight. Same deal with Social Security. Let the devil take the hindmost with that bunch of gangsters in Washington," commented manager of the local Prosthetics Are Us, Jimmy Legg.

"I'm on Social Security, and it's easily the best cocksuckin' investment I've ever made," said the club's president, 75-year-old Maurice Labens. "As long as I live I'll have some income from it, even if I live to be 150. I'd hate to see some greasy graduate from Harvard Business School get his filthy hands on it." Life expectancy in Weiko, where no one has seen a doctor in 73 years, is 206.

Judging by the reaction of Labens and other club members, Bush would have some serious explaining to do if he let the Wall Street Mafia rip off the few bucks due 'em through Social Security. "I tell you one thing. That fat assed mother of his wouldn't recognize him after I got through with him if that little weasel fucked me on Social Security the way he fucked everybody on Iraq. No wonder you don't see Cheney around this. He's waiting to see if the little pecker gets thumped."

Of eight club members contacted last weekend, two expressed unqualified support for the president's personal account proposal---the local repo man owner and the local banker.

The rest were opposed or uncertain, citing concerns about most Americans' ability to manage personal accounts in light of all the major thieves and criminals the capitalist system has spawned lo these 200 years like the Cheney administration; grifters and killers that have nothing better to do all day than think up ways to steal other peoples' money while convincing them to send their flesh and blood off to die so that the criminal class can also steal from the rest of the world at no personal risk or expense to them.

Also raised was the possibility that conservatives were seeking to dismantle New Deal social programs as the Communist threat that they irrefutably are. "First food stamps. Next the Paris Commune," warned Majority leader Bill Frist. "Never underestimate mankind's unwillingness to starve for his betters."

Some wanted to withhold judgment until the White House got more specific about what it had in mind. "Like does the White House think Social Security has WMD," asked Mr. Legg. "Maybe, they shoulda just led with that bullshit cocksucker twice."

The mixed feelings evident in this group in the shadow of the president's Crawford compound reflect concerns expressed by participants in national opinion polls---"These are a bunch of cocksucking liars that are out to fuck me like Iraq." And they underscore the challenges facing Bush as he tries to brutalize the opposition to his personal account proposal.

Although the White House has asserted that support will grow as the president spreads Karl Rove's lies, at least two recent surveys have suggested that opposition to personal accounts was high among those who considered themselves well-informed about Bush's plan.

The Better Investment Group of Weiko is one of about 20,000 local groups chartered by the National Assn. of Rotisserie Investment Clubs, which helps its members choose fantasy stocks by analyzing the stocks' past performance and growth potential.

The organization encourages its members to invest a fixed amount of imaginary money in stocks every month, regardless of market conditions. It says its 220,000 members have a combined portfolio value of $117 billion imaginary dollars and consistently outperform the stock market because they operate in the clean atmosphere of fantasy.

The Weiko club was organized about 40 years ago. Its portfolio, currently worth about $231,000 mcdollars, consists mainly of blue-chip bellweathers such as rotisserie General Electric Co. and McDonald's Corp.

Of the club's 19 members, 76-year-old Carl Kuhnle Jr. has been with the group the longest. A retired pick pocket, Kuhnle thinks Bush's personal account proposal is a great idea.

"If I'd been given that option when I was 20, 25, 30 years old, I'd have jumped all over it instead working outside all my life at carnies and house fires," Kuhnle said.

"That sounds like a good way to go."

Others who had been victimized by Kuhnle were less enthused.

Some said they weren't opposed to the unprincipled notion of letting workers invest some of their Social Security taxes, but they were concerned about the effect of Rove's plan that Bush is pushing on the already oft looted treasury and traditional but soon to be looted Social Security benefits.

Some said they were convinced most American wage earners would not make good decisions about investing their payroll taxes unless it was set up like a lottery or kino. "Then the fuckers would sit up and take notice, Legg said. "And Wall Street would just become contiguous with Atlantic City surrounded by hundreds of square miles of ghetto and waste dumps."

"People won't do their homework unless you put up a tote board in the fuckin' Pick-And-Pay," said 'Gunrack' Smallwoodie, a 52-year-old gunsmith. "Even if they're given only four or five choices, I don't think they'll invest the time it takes to understand which funds are right for them unless there's a lotto and scratch away instant winner."

The Armegeddon Industry

Donne Withered, 82, said even BIG members occasionally abandoned their disciplined investment principles and bought stocks based on hunches or hearsay like the fuckin' rapture, sometimes with painful consequences. "We bought stock in a company that was gonna buy the personal effects of people taken up by the rapture. We ended up with tens of millions of dog eared bibles and things looked pretty goddamned good. Then the cops started finding the raptured buried in their backyards, their rendevous with the creator sped along by a zealous husband or devout child. I lost a bundle on that cocksucker."

"Maybe it'll turn around tomorrow," chimed in Kuhnle. "I hear van Impy says this time the end time is really nigh if you send him $20.00, Esleaziastes 6:9."

Hot Tips From The Big Island

"People will come into the meetings with stocks nobody has ever heard of and say, 'I know somebody in New York from Riker's Island Investment who thinks this is a great deal, and it's only going to cost us a couple thousand dollars,' " Withered said. "Fuck we thought Riker's was the clean island and Manhattan the prison ,and who could blame us."

"Depending on how many people are attending that night and how much speedball we done, it'll be adopted," he said. "The speedball? Why should we trade stocks any different than New York."

Club president Labens, a Weiko City Council member and retired appliance store owner, said he could not support Bush's personal account proposal as long as the president refused to spell out the specifics, something the White House has preferred to leave to Congress. "The little shit lied about Iraq---dozens of times on a dozen issues. It'll be a warm day in Tom Delay's heart before I trust that little bugger again. Not to mention my money means a whole helluva lot more to me than any 10,000 fuckin' dead Iraqis."

"If I came to you and said, 'We're going to make you a millionaire, but we're not going to tell you how it's going to work,' how much credibility would I have?" Labens asked. "You wouldn't invade another country and start a wholesale slaughter half-way across the world on just that kind of flimsy say so. Am I right?"