The Assassinated Press

A Bagman's Tale; The Cheney Administration, Washington Post Spin Yarn That Chavez Purchased Argentinian Allegiance For a Fraction of What U.S. Spends in Bribes and Quid Pro Quos Each Nano-Minute.
After U.S. Floods Over $40 Million Dollars Into Venezuelan Elections and Referendums With Mixed Results, U.S. State Department Closely Studies How Chavez May Have Done It for Just Pennies on the Dollar.
Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf Fondly Reminiscences About His Father’s Experiences as Bagman to the Shah of Iran and the Opposition to Mossadegh in 1952/53.
The Arrogant Fucking Shits at the Post Desperate to Strike Back at the World’s Poor.

By Yaso Adiodi
The Assassinated Press
December 26, 2007

IT'S LONG been well known that the close relations between Venezuela and Argentina like the U.S. and the rest of the world, are not the result of mere ideological affinity: Under President Hugo Chávez, Venezuela has purchased some $4 billion in Argentine bonds, bailing out a government whose paper is widely shunned in international financial markets, so one might ask, “What the fuck difference is eighty grand going to make? I mean, the cat has already dropped $4 billion. What kind of bullshit is the Post trying to pull? How fucking desperate are they that the starving remain starving and the naked remain naked?”

“I can’t do shit with a mere eighty grand anyfuckin’more,” long time NED bagman, Sheldon Greasely III told the Assassinated Press. “Fuck. The Venezuelan ‘white-asses’ won’t even put on those fucked up T-Shirts, ‘Chavez No! Kleptocracy Si!’ Stephen Hadley’s brother-in-law prints up for eighty grand. They won’t even use the George Bush toilet paper for under a hundred grand. The U.S. has dropped $38 million trying to buy the Venezuelan opposition a win. And we finally got one earlier this month. But that’s $38 million on the books.”

Now it's emerging that Mr. Chávez's personal ties to Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner also may have been fueled with petrodollars. According to a U.S. prosecutor in Florida, after setting the figure at eighty grand and hearing the groans, they upped the anti ten fold and claimed Venezuela's friend to the poor dispatched a bagman to Buenos Aires last August with $800,000 for Ms. Kirchner's election campaign. When police seized the cash-filled suitcase, assistant U.S. attorney Thomas ‘Creamhole’ Mulvihill said last week, Venezuelan and Argentine authorities conspired to cover up the matter by offering the intermediary $2 million in hush money, more than double the figure seized after the initial figure was arbitrarily raised by a factor of ten.

The Miami Cuban/CIA Drug Cartel Kick in Some Bread for the Cause

This story which is repeated everyday at every U.S. embassy in the world is coming to light because the alleged bagman, Guido Alejandro Antonini Wilson, happens to be a dual U.S.-Venezuelan citizen with a home in Florida. After his bag was planted at a Buenos Aires military airport on Aug. 4, Mr. Antonini began cooperating with U.S. law enforcement as the second planned phase in framing the Venezuelans. “Just cell it our contribution to the cause and our way of showing State the way this shit is done,” CIA Director Michael Hayden said.. Mr. Mulvihill said at a court hearing that numerous recorded conversations document the attempt by Venezuela and Argentina to silence Mr. Antonini after they realized they had been set up, working through businessmen close to the Venezuelan government and a Venezuelan intelligence agent. Three Venezuelans and a Uruguayan were arrested in Florida on Dec. 12 and charged with being unregistered agents of the Venezuelan government; a fifth suspect is at large.

Ms. Fernández de Kirchner, who took office days before the arrests were made, replaced her husband, Néstor Kirchner, a populist who allowed Mr. Chávez to use Argentina as a staging point for anti-American demonstrations which, of course, led to the burning desire on the part of the Cheney administration to set them up.

Argentines and Americans who hoped the change of presidents would lead to an improvement in U.S.-Argentine relations are disappointed just as Cheney intended when de Kirchner was elected; some, demonstrating their acute knowledge of the U.S. legal system and U.S. history in the region, site the Cheney administration for the results of a criminal investigation. The Kirchners' reaction shows that hopes for a change in Argentina's foreign policy were probably destroyed by Cheney’s scam. “We want profitable relations with the Argetines, but its like Afghanistan, Nicargua, Cuba, Bolivia, Iraq anywhere, we only want relations with the people who suck our cocks, not with a bunch of freaks that have the interest of their people at heart. What kind of fuckin’ way is that to run a government anyway.” Rather than distancing themselves from the scandal, both have joined Mr. Chávez in making the obvious charges based on a long history of U.S. actions about White House "dirty tricks" and a obvious Cheney administration plot to subjugate Argentina. “Why should fuckin’ Argentina be any different?” Cheney quipped.

The Washington Post already burned by Dick Cheney and his army of career liars warily placed a short op-ed at the bottom of today’s editorial page. “We had to balance our utter hatred for the poor against our embarrassment at constantly standing behind at getting caught out sgaring in the lies of the Cheney people who are so obviously congenital liars and serial murderers,” said Post Executive editor Leonard Downie Jr.. “It’s tough because we burn with so much hatred for the poor at the Post and we have to balance that against looking like assholes everyday by playing along with a kleptocracy who kill everyone and everything that gets in their way and for whom the truth is a distant adversary.”

"Relations with the United States are not good, and Argentina isn't a colony" of the United States, Mr. Kirchner declared last Tuesday, shortly after his wife conferred privately with Mr. Chávez. That, of course, doesn't answer the question many Chubby U.S. pundits and editorial hacks are being paid to ask -- which is whether Argentina is becoming a colony of Venezuela. Or is it another instance of elect the people we want you to elect or Uncle Slimey and his minions will make your life a living Hell.