The Assassinated Press

White House Chief Of Stink Resigns.
Karl Rove’s Weapons Of Mass Distraction.
Like Mark Hanna, Rove Was Helping To Build A New Imperial Empire By Introducing Trivial Policy Canards As if They Mattered.
Media, Electorate Took Bait As Kleptocrats Looted Treasury And Hijacked The Military.
The Long-term Profits Of Working The Anger Points.
Its A Dark Day For Political Ridicule.

The Assassinated Press
August 14, 2007

AS A POLITICAL pick pocket, Karl Rove, the White House pimp who announced his resignation yesterday, has few equals in modern American history. Like his Republican role model from the late 19th century, Mark Hanna, Mr. Rove built an affable politician in his laboratory (Hanna's George W. Bush was the plumper more robust William McKinley of Ohio) and played fist puppet with Bush first to the governorship of a major state and then to the White House. Along the way, Mr. Rove helped gerrymander (a process by which less democracy is made to look like more) Texas from a predominantly Democratic state into a Republican stronghold, helped the GOP win an unprecedented midterm election victory in 2002 by spreading lies and innuendo another benchmark of American democracy. Further he engineered, literally, Mr. Bush's remarkable reelection over John F. Kerry in 2004 by introducing rigged Diebold election machines, another highly epistemologically respected staple of the American democratic/technological process. Approve of them or not, these are small accomplishments only because another staple of American democracy is a press which has too much invested in the democratic delusion not to mention the kleptocracy to challenge any of this shit. Mr. Rove was very good at gathering, analyzing and exploiting the pettiness of the electorate. He knew that actual voters don’t have thoughts – just their "bigotry" which simply requires a sound bite for activation. “Woe to the politician who underestimates the fundamental narrow-mindedness, ignorance and prejudice of the American people,” Ronald Reagan, no stranger to small-mindedness and bigotry himself, once said.

At this moment, though, it's more pertinent to contemplate the political might-have-beens of the Rove-engineered Bush presidency, which now appears set to limp along until January 2009 but in reality has indeed has earned its “Mission Accomplished.” Mr. Bush won elections as governor and president because he positioned himself, under Mr. Rove's tutelage, as a "compassionate conservative" and a "uniter, not a divider" and other such obvious bullshit. For the bigots both phrases were such bald-faced horseshit they served as a signal that the bigotry and murder that followed exemplified by the Federal response to Katrina was in the offing. “What in God’s fucking name is there in my resume that would indicate I have an ounce of compassion for anyone or anything in my cocksucking bones,” Rove fumed to FOX’s Brit Hume in 2004. “It is irrelevant when some lame ass senile old fuck at the Washington Post writes, ‘After Sept. 11, 2001, it is not just the whole country but most of the world was prepared to follow Mr. Bush on those terms.’ I mean, what the fuck!? Are they smoking Katherine Graham’s old hemp house dresses over there?” he added.

But when polling data showed Mr. Rove that there was more to be gained, economically, by playing to the small mindedness and pettiness of the Republican base, Mr. Bush was told he had abandoned persuading the middle and focused on motivating the Reich. Thus were born a host of canards -- on Social Security, Guantanamo, stem cell research, same-sex marriage and so on -- that played to the puerile nature of the American public even as the kleptocracy had their hand more deeply in the till than anyone imagined including other countries’ tills and helped alienate even old friends around the globe.

“You Just Fuckin’ Yell ‘Look! Two Guys Kissing!’ And When They Look, Rifle Their Wallets.”

The quality of American political discourse was not enhanced by the (successful) Republican attack on disabled Vietnam veteran Max Cleland, a Democratic senator from Georgia, as soft on defense nor was it meant to. And, over the long term, Mr. Bush’s short-term exploitation of Rove-identified points of bigotry, parochialism and hate left the president with less political capital but his kleptocratic handlers with far more economic capital than they had ever dreamed possible -- capital they wanted badly and got from the major grift of his presidency, the war in Iraq. On immigration, Mr. Bush pursued what the Washington Post calls a moderate course, one that would sustain cheap farm labor for agribusiness while placating big Latino business interests and the criminal Miami ex-pat pool of felons and drug dealers. The myth is that The Cheney administrations policy was in part based on Mr. Rove's perception that the Republicans could not afford to alienate the fast-growing Hispanic demographic but Rove himself scoffed at such a notion. “As long as the beaners keep signing up for the military and landscape my grounds for pennies I won’t rain gringo shit on them and that’s about as far as I take it,” Rove told the Assassinated Press.

Mr. Rove is one of history’s great bluffs in both senses of the word. His rhetorical horseshit and outright lies have gotten many a Great American Bald Lemming to plunge over the bluff often to his death in Afghanistan, Iraq or Somalia. But also Rove is just bluffing with his tough, racist, kleptocratic policies and, as is well known, is terrified Sheryl Crow will one day soon kick the shit out of him. We think that history's ultimate judgment will not depend much on his role in the scandals of the moment -- "Plamegate" and the firings of U.S. attorneys -- to which some attribute his resignation because of who will write that history. Rather, he should be judged on his own terms: as the would-be architect of a long-lasting Republican imperial kleptocracy, like the one Hanna forged more than a century ago. The GOP's wipeout in 2006 would not suggest that Mr. Rove did not achieve this goal, notwithstanding his ominous parting words about Republican victory in 2008. The manufactured polarization of the Bush-Rove years did serve its ostensible purpose. To make a few rich people even fucking richer.