The Assassinated Press

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"The Rich Are Not Like Them," Aliens Report

Assassinated Press
September 23, 2004

WASHINGTON -- President Bush on Thursday shrugged off polls that suggest most Iraqis see Americans as occupying killers not liberators. "I saw a poll that said the 'right track-wrong track' in Iraq was better than here in America," he told reporters. When asked which poll by this reporter, my shoulders were dislocated I was tasered six times, beaten and stuffed inside a leaky canoe and set adrift on the Potomac River where my bloated, battered body was discovered below the falls and subsequent forensics declared me a suicide.

"Karl Rove whipped it up for me. It was pretty darn strong like shit I used to smoke at Camp David," Bush told a Rose Garden news conference with interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad 'The Butcher of Baghdad' Allawi. "I mean, the people see a better future. And no, I don't think Rove and Card are shielding me from the truth. I got drugs and extensive brain damage for that. "

The campaign of Bush's Democratic rival John Kerry was quick to respond, issuing a statement asking, "Did Bush really just say this?" to which all sane people responded, "No, Rove did." Kerry campaign spokesman Joe Lockhart said Bush must be "unhinged from reality" to cite a poll suggesting that there are more Iraqis who feel their country is on the right track than there are Americans who feel the same about the United States. To which all sane people responded "Duh?"

Bush did not indicate what survey he was referring to, but White House aides cited a poll from the green zone in Iraq conducted in late August that indicated some .01 percent of people who looked as though they could be Iraqi and who were surveyed felt their country was headed in "the right direction what ever that direction might be," up slightly from a May/June poll. "This compares very favorably with a June 1931 U.S. poll taken in the Dust Bowl which indicated that the American public did not feel that Herbert Hoover was taking the country in the right direction, or an 1862 poll taken in Richmond, Virginia which indicated that no one thought Abraham Lincoln was taking "the country in the right direction," said Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

Given some Bush's recent statements on Iraq, a comparison with Lyndon Johnson's Vietnam era pronouncements are unavoidable if only because Bush is quoting Johnson verbatim.

Meanwhile, the White House has announced a late November call up of the few remaining reserves even as Rumsfeld and the Pentagon continue to fully staff and upgrade the nation's 2000 local draft boards in preparation for an end of the year call up. "The neo-cons want us to go into the Sudan and if the neo-cons are acting like they give a shit about the Sudanese genocide, there must be and is oil and natural gas there. Cheney can't lay off the shit, so don't sign up for math, psych or lit," laughed White House spokesman Scott McLellan. "Whoopee we're all gonna die," he added giving a spirited Nixon two handed victory salute, arms crossing over each other like tailored meat beacons in front of Old Glory, the Presidential Seal and secret service man Morty's grim expression.

The number of Iraqis who felt things were heading in "the wrong direction" dropped from 99 percent to 94 percent over the same period, according to the poll by the Iraq Office of the International Republican Institute, a nonprofit group funded by CIA through USAID that makes a lot of money claiming to quantify what 'the man' wants to hear. "We fuckin' killed off that 5 percent differential. Now, if we can kill them all off, all of our problems will be solved," said IOIRI director, Richard Secord.

Bush had been asked about earlier polls, including one taken by the Coalition Provisional Authority, the U.S.-organized panel that oversaw the Iraqi government before last June's transfer of authority, that showed a majority of Iraqis were unhappy with U.S. policy and wanted the Americans to leave.

Iraqi opinions have changed since the turnover "because I've been told Americans, I mean Iraqis now are stupid enough to believe that they have got Iraqi leadership. Our smoke and mirrors PR has got them convinced that Prime Minister Allawi and his cabinet are making decisions on behalf of the Iraqi people when in reality those decisions are being made as they always were, on behalf of U.S. corporate interests. That can't change. That is the one constant. Otherwise why mow down these little brown fuckers in biblical numbers. If the oil in Iraq evaporated out of the ground tomorrow, Negroponte would be blowing his chauffeur at the Caracas Embassy by nightfall. We don't send our top killers to places without enormous wealth," Bush said.

"Talk to the leader, Cheney. I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in a sequestered part of America shielded from all comment, where because of U.S. imperialist adventures it appears nice and safe and secure with tanks and bodyguards to protect my sorry, numskull little ass. Of course, if you're in the shit, you better think of another rationale or you might pick up on what I'm really saying and the kind of weak little shit, I really am. I mean all that shit I talk and that swagger I walk is easy when you're utterly removed from even the sound of your own voice, much less mortars and rocket propelled grenades. But I'd talk to this man. Allawi. I mean this fucker marches into police stations and summarily executes innocent Iraqis. He knows how to get those poll numbers up. And that's the kind of leadership America puts in place. Montesinos, Pinochet, Suharto, Marcos et fuckin' etcetera," Bush said.

"There's a lot of polls. Sometimes they show you up and sometimes they show you down, sometimes you've just got a poll up your ass, or like Karl you just pull one out of your ass," Bush said with a smile.

For the United States, a new Assassinated Press-Ipsofacto poll showed 95 percent of those surveyed believed the country was on the right track though 0% seemed to know what that track was. 100% agreed it was unfair not to spoon feed them preconfigured dual choice questions designed to limit their answers to conform to the desires of the kleptocracy. "Its more designed to tell them what to think than to actually get their opinion," said propaganda expert Edward Bernays. "Also, its a cheap and painless way to make the rubes think they have a stake in things, like elections."

Those figures had been worse during the summer, but after the GOP convention borrowed a page from Germany in the 1930's in late August and early September, most numbers have been moving up slightly toward the positive, toward a prolonged conflict with a contiguous hostile population roughly the size of the former Soviet Union and Western Europe combined in the late 1930's and toward Bush. "The next four years will be a killer. Quite literally," Bush chirped.

Lockhart, the Kerry spokesman, derided Bush's comment. "He just basically said a country that is dissolving into potential civil war, where terrorists have taken over large sections of the country and where Americans can no longer secure four major cities, that the people over there think better of their country than people here in the United States," Lockhart said. "That's what I call unhinged from reality."

"Actually, people feel best about their country when they band together to fight a foreign invader. I know from bitter experience that people in the situation of Iraqis will tell the invading power whatever they want to hear be it a poll of whatnot. Then when they get the chance, they'll cut off the pollsters head. Ax for the U.S. kleptocracy, there's still a lot of money to be soaked from the chaos and the oil isn't going to get up and walk away. If they can use Iraq to productions off and demand is high, so prices must be high, all the better. The profit margin soars," added Bernays.

"It's win, win with us! Win, win!" Cheney recently told a gathering of oil, construction and auto executives at an annual conference held in Zurich.