The Assassinated Press

'Swift Boat Veterans For Truth' Denounce Imperialist War In Vietnam:
Swift Boat Vets Say, "American troops in Vietnam were a lot safer without G.W. Bush in the field."
Karl Rove Denies White House Connection To Swift Boat Vets, Says "Who Gives A Feral Cat's Titty Tumor About Swift Boat Vets."
Echoing General Vo Nguyen Giap And Ho Chi Minh Republican Vets Criticize Kleptocrats Kerry, McCain, Bob Kerrey et al:
Future Kleptocratic Candidates Put On Notice That War Record "Ain't Shit".:
North Korea And Iran Honor 'Swift Vote Veterans For Truth' With Quiet Ceremonies And Military Parades

An Assassinated Press Primary Document
Translated and edited by YASO ADIODI

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth released the following letter to John Kerry, signed by 189 traumatized and otherwise fucked up veterans, who personally smoked Thai stick with Mr. Kerry over many years, and floated on the Swifties sometimes in a lotus state, featured so prominently in the senator's campaign ads which by the way are made of plastic like Corvettes and are not biodegradable by long years of drug abuse like the human brain. The group's paid organizers explain that the veterans who have signed to date represent the large majority of those who hate the fact that liberal politicians get a lot of tail, so much that they're willing to sign a document swearing they served somewhere around John 'Hung Like A Donkey' Kerry in Vietnam. Scores of others are expected to join up in the days ahead if we get them their porno tapes, ludes and checks in time. Even though this is a transparent smear, we have every confidence that it will not electorally backfire because all of those chicken hawks out there who resent, in their safe, pot-bellied middle age not going in-country and killing a few gooks like their neighbor Doug with the stripper wife, are going to take it out on the war opportunist Kerry instead of Dow Chemical.

May 4, 2004
Senator Kerry,
We write from our common heritage as drug tokin', imperialist murderers aboard Swift Boats aka swifties in the Vietnam War, tubs made famous by Francis Coppola's Apocalypse Now that we like to take our nephews to see cause its the only thing we've ever done in our sad little lives that kept our dicks hard 24/7, that is before Cialis.

Indeed, you should note that a substantial number that we cannot reveal at this time of those cocksuckin' cold blooded baby killers who served directly with you while you was a baby killin' with the likes of Bob Kerrey and John McCain during your four month tour in Vietnam have signed this letter.

You can tell from this letter that we are the same shriveled little tools of the kleptocracy that we were in the shit.

As for John O'Neill, he's still got a fuckin' crush on you Kerry. He can't get over that Achilles/Patroclus thing you had going. He fantasized running away with you into the shit. But you knew if you married O'Neill it would make a run at the Presidency more difficult. America wouldn't be ready for it. Americans are still at the political/economic stage of getting fucked up the ass which they get great pleasure from and is why G.W. reminds them of an outsized dildo. Feeling jilted and abandoned, O'Neill has carried on his lover's grudge for 40 years. It's why he has never successfully copulated with a woman or the farm animals he was so fond of as an Eagle Scout. He still spooges to your 1969 photo, John. It's bizarre. All so wonderfully bizarre like the Swift Boat Vets themselves.

We have been told that it is our collective judgment that, upon your return from Vietnam, you grossly and knowingly squealed about the conduct of the American soldiers, marines, sailors and airmen of that war making us out as what you and I are, cold blooded killers, and making it more difficult to fuck women though the twitches, the unprovoked screaming and the collection of garottes made from gook baby tendons also made dating hard. All the while you grew your hair long and tried to be a pretty boy and got fucked constantly while I purchased my first inflatable girlfriend.

Further, we believe that you have withheld and/or distorted material facts as to your own conduct in this war and should be more proud of the fact that you mowed down some of that dog eating hootch coochie and their vermin.

We believe you continue this conduct today, using a measured version of the killin' we did in order to walk the PR tightrope of delusion and self-interest we call American electoral politics that turns sons of the kleptocracy into people that boss around fucked up little bastards like myself. Signing this document gives me a feeling of power over you, at least until the subpoena arrives. Besides, you fuckin' don't scare me the way Dick 'Go Fuck Yourself' Cheney does.

You now seek to clad yourself in the very medals that you disdainfully threw away in the early years of your political career when you thought that was the politically expedient thing to do. But you didn't anticipate that the U.S. kleptocracy would ratchet up its international slaughter machine and go in and steal Iraqi oil. Neither, did we, but we never had a say in things so we can fuckin' jump on board and hope to glean a few bucks and glory from making shit up about you. I'm gonna by a suit for my Rose garden visit in January and then I'm going to fade back into pathetic obscurity with my guns and meth-amphetamine and die none to soon as far as my family is concerned, see how much respect they have for the scratched cornea I suffered in a Saigon brothel.

In the process, we believe you, like Monkey George, continue a kleptocratic deception as to your own conduct through such tactics as the disclosure of only carefully screened portions of your military records. If this makes us appear like hypocrits and transparent liars, so be it. As little crap sacks of fodder in a world of shit, we never dreamed of being this close to the kleptocratic power base with its raw skinned young stooges in their pressed shirts and shiny loafers telling us what they want us to say and repeating over and over, "the rich people that support us really appreciate your taking another one up the ass for the rich people that support us when all they wanted to do was get you fucked up in the Nam so's they could make a lot of money. No, we don't think you're stupid. We don't have a word for what you are. And we own the vocabulary."

Both then and now, like Johnson, McNamara, Bundy, Westmoreland, Nixon and Kissinger, Clinton, Berger and Albright, Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney we have concluded that you have deceived the public, and in the process have betrayed totally dishonorable, disappointed little prune sacks like us, to further your personal political goals which, of course, is the way the American political system has always operated. Now, by slandering you, we feel like we have participated in the real politics, not that voting bullshit.

Our conduct is such as to raise substantive concerns as to our honesty and our ability to serve, as we currently seek to remain aging little fodder dicked cocksucking crabbed liars who can't admit that a bunch of black pajamaed, yellow cunt motherfuckers kicked us up and down that fuckin' peninsula while we celebrated some of the best dope this side of the Golden Triangle and begged the good Lord to carry our fuckin' asses away from that place with every baby boy little shit breath we could pull.

It is vital that the American public have as much information as possible about what kind of traumatized degenerates make up our kleptocracy as well as 'The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth.' Believe us, we aren't for truth because this is America where truth ain't shit. Its doped up delusion and raw political advantage stuffed with lies, idealized into a shit cake that everybody takes a small bite from and declares how good it is. Yummy. In various ways, you have rightly called upon President Bush to give up his National Guard records, but come on, would you really have wanted a mental defective like Bush trying to spooge jellied gasoline into a gook hole in the shit. You want the truth, go to Cuba. Bush on the 'thrower' and your ass and mine would have been friendly fire french fries. Get fuckin' real, Mr. Kerry. American troops in Vietnam were a lot safer without G.W. Bush in the field.

In the same spirit, now that you are the nominee of your Party, we believe it is incumbent upon you to make your total military record open to the American people while we go back and examine Mr. Bush's National Guard record for diaper changes and chug-a-lug stains.

Specifically, we the undersigned formally request that you authorize the Department of the Navy to independently release your military records (through your execution of anyone standing in the way fo your filling out Standard Form 180), complete and unaltered, including your military medical records as Mr. Bush has tried so hard to do. Mr. Cheney and Mr. Rumsfeld can stand down on this one. One look at those motherfuckers and you know that they're part of the kleptocracy that'll have you killed by their goons and sneak back and take the dimes off your eyes.

Further, we call upon you and ourselves to correct the misconceptions our bragging to gullible teen aged boys seeks to create as to our conduct while in Vietnam. We want to permit the American public the opportunity to assess our military performance upon the record, and not upon the bullshit we fart from a barstool.

We know you and I were racketeers for capitalism, but you had the brains to do a tour as a stepping stone to the presidency. My tour was just a steppingstone to 35 years of self-medication, fuckin' with the VA, and sleeping with the light on. I resent you smart Ivy League fucks making pissade out of piss. I've spent my life fantasizing a way to get back at guys like you and now a couple of greasy political ops have given me my chance. If you're gonna kill innocent people keep the goddamn Republican game face on you motherfucker. I may not have the guts to punch you in the mouth, but I can humiliate you by backing that brain dead little kleptocratic fucker, Bush.

Senator Kerry, we were there akillin' and aslaughterin' by your side. Men, women, children, I still don't give a fuck, otherwise I wouldn't be acting like such a petty shit now. We know the truth but its buried and we're too traumatize to dredge it up. We have nightmares that if we face our demons, we would dissolve in the anus of Satan like a stinkin' suppository. We haven't been silent long enough. But personally the stakes are too great cause we hope gettin' involved with this shit will help us keep away the demons for a few more weeks.

Let this be a warning for those who have followed us into fodderland in Iraq and Afghanistan. We call upon you to provide a full, accurate accounting of your conduct in Vietnam because like us if you do your fuckin' head will explode. From the tool shed with the cocked shotgun in my mouth,
Rear Admiral Roy Halfdick, USN
Captain Charley Horse Pulldaisy, USN (retarded)
Mr. Al 'Numbnuts' Horneyfinger
Mr. Bill Stankenstiff
Mr. Stad Bilch
Mr. Yumpster Ubbeateye
Mr. Sal Minella
Mr. Yokel Suppendamper
Mr. J.B. O'Neillbeforepecker
Mr. Franey Opecker
Mr. Whey Septic
Mr. 'White Willy' Chickenfrank
Mr. Scoon Brack IV
Mr. Hummie Trystupe
Mr. Flick Obendimdalighter
Mr. Anka Fragenmanger
Mr. Cup O. Supertime
Mr. Igby Fartknocker
Mr. Yaso Adiodi