The Assassinated Press

Summary: Rumsfeld's Aura Terrifies Troops in Iraq

Assassinated Press
December 24, 2004

CHRISTMAS PLAGUE IN THE DESERT: There is no snow, though it rained toads and other vermin in parts of Iraq when Don Rumsdfeld's plane set down this week and the temperature dipped below absolute zero within a 100 yard radius of the American Secretary for State Terror as he attempted to shake off his burgeoning presence as the Anti-Christ that has dogged him in the press in recent weeks.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BALLS OF FIRE: A sparkling Christmas tree at Camp Fallujah was further illuminated by a mortar round, and the mess hall was struck by a suicide bomber, his red and gray viscera spattered like tinsel across Christmas cards from children around the United States who, like their parents, don't have a clue.

HOLIDAY VISITING DAY: Secretary for State Terror Donald Rumsfeld paid a surprise, morale-busting visit to Iraq on Friday, donning a plastic apron and picking up a bone saw to cut off a wounded Marine's leg before hightailing it back to Washington to have Christmas Eve dinner with the wealthy and influential acquaintances who matter.