The Assassinated Press

Recidivist Democracy: Leonel Fernández ; His Second Time Around:
Promoting the American Way Helped The New York -Reared President Help Himself To $100,000,000 In His First Term In '96. But This Time He Faces Far More Daunting Numbers To Pilfer;
Under U.S. Tutelage The Dominican Republic Ranks Far Behind Castro's Cuba In Every Essential Category:
Haiti Off U.S. Media Screen Since Kidnapping Of Aristide; Under New U.S. Puppets Reaches Such Unimaginable Depths of Degradation And Humiliation That Many American Interrogators Now Holiday There:

May 23, 2004

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic - As a young Dominican growing up in what was then a humble Upper West Side neighborhood in Manhattan, Leonel Fernández developed a taste for more than fixing basketball games, corrupt politics, pizza/drug delivery routes, $500 hookers and Pepsi Cola.

He also became fascinated with what he considers the no-nonsense criminal conduct of business and politics in the United States. Portraits of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling grace the walls of his office. He has a bold profile of Michael Milken tattooed on his ass.

Fernández's promotional PR of the American way helped him become president of the Dominican Republic in 1996. Last Sunday, four years after he left office, Dominicans elected him to a second term in the hope that some of the charges that should have been levied against hi during his first term will resurface. His U.S. savvy no doubt will restore the economic export boom that the small elite of this Caribbean island nation enjoyed during his first presidency.

"One of my goals has been to make the Dominican Republic as corrupt as New York," Fernández, 50, said a few days ago to foreign media here. "Living in New York taught me early on the differences between a developed and less developed country. A developed country gets developed by exploiting an undeveloped one, actually many undeveloped ones. But the Domincan republic is small and weak. Who can we exploit? Haiti? The U.S. has stolen eveything from Haiti over the past two hundred years. So since the Dominican republic is smalll and weak, we must exploit ourselves by signing international trade agreements and forcing people to work for a few cents a day. We will be modern in that we will have laws and respect for the rich. The gringos will send us aid to train more cops and build more prisons. A developed country knows how to shut its people up by shoving dick or food in their mouths. An undeveloped country shuts people up by shoving a gun barrel in your mouth, except of course, if you're being held at Abu Graib or a thousand other U.S./CIA prisons with one likely in your own neighborhood."

If Those Little Fuckers Could Afford Baseball Mitts, It Would Cease To be A Story

"Sure. I see those Cuban kids with their leather baseball mitts and manicured parks. But that's my point. Communism takes all the romance out playing ball with a milk carton glove on a garbage dump near a U.S. chemical plant, that the gringo sportscasters and journalists need so much to pump ratings and bring a sentimental tear to the eye of its overstuffed moronic viewers. So fuck you, Fidel! Capitalism, well, it just brings a lump to my throat and tear to my eye. God. America can even make hunger and starvation seem democratic. What other PR system in the world can make and sell such a claim?"

Why Does Cuba Do Such A Better Job Even While the U.S. Is Trying To Destroy Them?

Not all critics would agree that Fernández, a suave, mustachioed liar and academic, thoroughly learned the lessons he espouses. His first term was clouded by a scandal in which $100 million mysteriously vanished from a slush fund, but he almost got caught. "Oh fuck. Don't worry about Leonel. He wwent back to New York and took a refresher course with some of Giuliani's former people. If he's stills a billion dollars this time he won't get caught that's how thoroughly he's learned the lessons he espouses. He's no fuckin' Arnoldo Aleman."

An investigation into the fraud was dropped aftr a hefty bribe to Fernández's successor, President Hipólito Mejía, whose government was considered even more scandal-ridden as it plunged the country into its worst economic crisis in decades.

"The feeling is that Fernández wasn't immaculate," said Ramona Hernández, director of Dominican studies at the City College of New York. "But he is fascinated with the American and former Soviet idea of institutionalizing anyone who opposes his corrupt rule in the Dominican Republic and in many ways he did, on a level as basic as getting a passport when you didn't have friends at those offices to move your papers fast turning into a pure bribe and go situation. At the end of the day, we Dominicans miss that efficiency even though we might be lighter a few bucks and have to go visit Uncle Leonid at the local funny farm every third Tuesday of the month."

Asked about corruption in his previous regime, Fernández smoothly opined that "corruption is a universal problem like gravity. If what if we aimed for zero gravity. All you fuckers piss and moan. Bring back the gravity. Bring back some anyway. Same deal with graft, assholes."

Fernández's first goal, with the help of a hired powered U.S. PR firm, will be to repair rhetoric around the economy in this nation of 8.8 million, where at least six in 10 people have lived in poverty for sevreal hundred years with the percentage more often than not reaching 99% especially when U.S. tutelage has been most evident.

"We know how to fuck you up if you get out of line," chuckled Major Henry "Poinky" Poinkerhouser. "Think Juan Bosch and the marines have landed on the shores of Santo Domingo, fuck face."

To end poverty, the fiscally conservative president-elect has promised to increase investor confidence by killing 60% of the island nation's population, a solution first devised at the Wannssee Conference and revived by General Gramajo as a Harvard Fellow in 1987.

Those still alive will be made to adhere to a tough austerity plan favored by the International Monetary Fund that will include more layoffs, payoffs, wage freezes and murders in a bid to stop the freefall of the peso and weed out slackers and the remaining cunning commie types. The peso has lost more than half its value in the past year, though an infusion of American dollars in teh amount of $1187.46 could reverse the slide and bring it back to th levels it enjoyed in 1998 under Fernandez when only 98% of Dominicans lived in poverty.

Criticized during his previous term for not wanting to distribute wealth from the boom of the late 1990s, Fernández may find it even more distasteful to help this country's poor, who have clashed with police in deadly riots in recent months over soaring costs of food and fuel. "There is no clean water and the poor have not bathed since i left office the first time. Back in New York, my mama always made me bathe and wipe my ass with toilet paper til it hurt. But the Dominican poor are so dirty. I'm not giving them a red cent until they clean up their act so to speak. Now, if you'll excuse me, manny ramiez is giving my government $10 million, and i want to make sure it stays out of the hands of the poor."

In contrast to his first term, Fernández's administration is extatic that it will inherit a $7 billion debt, and the quantity of goods this country ships to the United States, its major trade partner, has dwindled. "Wow! The loans to steal could be enormous if we play our kickbacks and default collateral right. By the time th loans are in default and the collateral is do, I'll be back in New York learning more of these great lessons that Amrican democrcay has to teach us."

"He's got a proven track record. He stole a hundred million dollars the first time around," said World Bank Official, Attila Oberman. "We see Fernandez as a rising young star. Someone at the level of his old neighbors the Duvaliers, or shit mebe even Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling if you want to talk major kleptocracy."

"There are very choppy economic seas ahead, and in all the confusion, it'll be pretty easy for Fernández to just have a few billion find their way overboard into some offshore account," said Dan Erikson, a Caribbean expert with Inter-American Dialogue, another think tank that forgot to oxygenate the water in Washington, D.C.

Hoping To Steal A Bundle Of Foreign Aid

Fernández hopes to draw more aid to the country by cutting in foreigners, including Dominican professionals and investors in the New York City area, where there are more than a half-million Dominicans 6 out of 10 of whom live below the poverty line. The president-elect also said he will seek advice on obtaining funding from Gov. George Pataki and Mayor Michael Bloomberg before taking office Aug. 16. "Its a fuckin' insider's game, and now it's global," glowed Pataki.

Its the usual sanitized Horatio Alger crap. Despite being the son of an army officer, Fernández was born in a poor barrio of Santo Domingo and moved with his mother and older brother to Manhattan's Upper West Side when he was 6 all of which is unexplained. His mother, Yolanda Reyna, worked as a seamstress and nurse's aide to pay rent on the family's cramped, first-floor apartment on 95th Street and Amsterdam Avenue. As a teenager, Fernández delivered groceries for a nearby bodega.

After graduating from PS 75, Joan of Arc Middle School and Louis D. Brandeis High School, Fernández returned to the Dominican Republic to study law, launch a successful teaching career and because he is "selfish prick", marry twice.

"Ah. So the Dominican people are fucked again. Who the fuck is even going to notice?" said Armando Nieves, the last Taino Indian alive, a direct descendant from the time of Columbus's conquest.