The Assassinated Press

Rumsfeld Flees Into Exile In Iraq:
Latest Post-White House Poll Reveals Iraqis Revere Rumsfeld Like A God:
Bremer Promises Former Secretary Of State Terror A Prominent Place On Iraqi Coveting Council:
Some Warn Iraqi Overture May Be A Ruse:
Mrs. Rumsfeld Settles On Comfortable Home In Fallujah Suburb:
FOX In Ratings War With Hitler!

The Assassinated Press
May 13, 2004

ABU GHRAIB, Iraq -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, making a surprise exile to Iraq, went to the Abu Ghraib prison Thursday and asked U.S. troops "where in the fuck is the action around here?"

Rummy's self-imposed exile surprised no one in the White House. "Christ! Our opinion polls coming back from Iraq showed that Rummy had a 98% approval rating with the Iraqi people. His approval rating among prisoners at Abu Graib was 100%. I think he saw that outpouring of love and couldn't resist relocating to the Iraq he has so much input into fashioning," commented CIA Director George Tenet.

And those numbrs were borne out when Rumsfeld, affectionately known as Rheumy or the Smirking Infidel among Iraqis, arrived at Baghdad airport. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqis thronged to greet the man they hoped would step in and run their country perhaps picking a local girl and starting his own dynasty. People slaughtered goats and sheep along 'Rheumy's' motorcade route. Kurd, Sunni and Shi'ite embraced in a show of solidarity for a man that has brought so much peace and prosperity to the world in his short 50 year career. Huge posters of Rumsfeld were draped from buildings and children waved small wooden efigies of the Secretary wrapped in tiny American flags like a pork sausage wrapped in bacon. Tears flowed, Women wept holding out their children for Rheumy's blessing. Along the route thousands threw themselves prostrate before, perhaps, the most revered man in all the Middle East since James Baker III.

"Yes. Yes. We love that weasly little fucker Rumsfeld. Turn him over to us that we may give him a kiss and treat him like our savior," said Baghdad cab driver Zareb al-Maqwa.

"We want to shower him with blessings and give him our women to violate," added street vendor Hamel Fatwa. "Only in this way can we show him our gratitiutude for what he has wrought in Iraq."

Arriving here with Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Dickie Myers by helicopter in a dust storm, the embattled Rumsfeld called the outpouring of affection from the Iraqi people confirmation that he, from his new position as an American ex-patriot in Iraq, should continue to mold this country of 25 million with his own personal vision. "The Iraqi people remain so supportive, not like the fickle Americans. Ich bin ein Baghdader," he shouted from steps of the Baghdad Hilton where he has temporarily set up headquaters as he organizes his new Iraqi government and warned J. Paul Bremer III to step down.

But some close to the administration believe that the entire poll thing was a ruse to make Iraq look irresistable to Rumsfeld. With a U.S. military force already showing a predilection for the same depraved sex acts as the Secretary, Rumsfeld felt Iraq was the place where he could find his true inner self and help an oppressed people at the same time. But some feel that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney cooked up the whole ruse as a way to trick Rumsfeld into resigning rather than having Bush fire him which would have led to Rummy bitch-slapping the faux president possibly before cameras.

"You gotta understand this level of ego. People like Rummy are able to believe anything about themselves. When you get up every morning and tell yourself you can walk on water, wading in shit feels like the same thing," said psychiatrist, Micheal Dedino.

"That Rummy personally has come to rescue the Iraqi people; What does that tell you about Allah's Mercy?" shouted Ahmed Sybria, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"We have been delivered from ourselves," shouted a group of women behind him.

Rumsfeld and Myers were accompanied here by Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller, commander of the prison system in Iraq, who told Rumsfeld a new complex of outdoor camps and leather theme parks is going to open soon on the grounds outside the main prison and he was welcome to select some of the prisoners for his personal abuse.

It will be called "Camp Redemption," he said, at the suggestion we made to the puppet Iraqi Coveting Council, and will provide better washing and scrubbing conditions for the mostly innocent detainees. In the U.S., Rumsfeld has heard many calls for his resignation in the wake of publicly released photos showing abuse of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. forces. To his face, President Bush has given him a vote of confidence, but many suspect that a nervous and frightened Bush was part of a deception to lure Rummy to Baghdad.

"I've stopped reading newspapers. Hope that doesn't catch up with me." Rumsfeld quipped to the troops here. "You've got to keep your edge, that insanity somehow. You know the Old Nixon/Kissinger Madman Theory. I'm a survivor," he said making an allusion to the TV show and not the Holocaust as his press agent was anxious to assure us. "Nah. Nah. Rummy's only tattoos are of his favorite dogs."

Later, Miller took Rumsfeld and Myers on a little tour around the compound in an armored bus. They passed many dozens of Iraqi detainees who lined the boundary of their outdoor camp, marked by rolls of concertina wire, aware from the heavy security that someone important in their midst. When they learned it was Rumsfeld, they burst into screams of joy. Some waved. Some threw their shackles in the air. "Rummy gave them his famous 'come hither' look and the camp just erupted," said Rumsfeld aid Paul Wolfowitz.

Miller told Rumsfeld that by the end of May, 2020 all prisoners under U.S. control will have been moved out of the old prison building, for strictly PR reasons, into a camp that had far fewer amenities, but would allow the Americans to observe and record all of the bodily functions performed by the Iraqis.

Earlier, Rumsfeld told reporters en route to Iraq that lawyers on the White House Payroll billing out at $600.00 an hour, told the Pentagon not to publicly release any more pictures of Iraqi prisoners being abused by U.S. soldiers until they could secure copyright and world wide distribution rights. "When it comes to cleaning up and destroying that many insufficiently incriminating photos, the cleanup costs themselves could run into the billions." Rummy also dismissed as "garbage" the fact that the Pentagon tried to cover up the prison abuse. "A lot of digital space was wasted shooting the landscape and Iraqi kids. We've gotta scrub that sort of thing out of these tapes before they'll bring in the kind of subscrirption business we expect. Of course, all proceeds from the torture with go to help the Iraqi people some of whom I'm sure we tortured. That's just another thing that's not quite right in the head about America that I'm going to miss."

After taking up residence in Baghdad, the defense secretary traveled to the prison where American military police sexually humiliate and abuse Iraqi prisoners as part of a revenue sharing scheme between the Pentagon, the CIA and the White House.

Once back in Baghdad, he said U.S. officials have had talks with "a couple of handfuls, maybe three handfuls of production companies" about opening economic relations with an Iraqi government led by Rumsfeld. He did not name the companies involved but did say that they all share America's hunger for sado-masochistic porn.

"The discussions are quite far along with respect to a number of them," Rumsfeld said. "And I'm encouraged. I think we'll find that we will get additional economic support."

In his talk with reporters earlier, Rumsfeld said, "As far as I'm concerned, I'd be happy to release them all (photos) to the public and to get it behind us. But at the present time I can buy time by telling you I don't know anyone in the legal shop in any element of the government that is recommending that. And if anybody says different, I'll just tell you schmeckles, its the first I've heard of it and you'll just go away."

The government lawyers argue that releasing such materials would violate a contract with FOX television to produce the prison material as part of their family viewing hour, American Idol and COPS series. His trip was not announced in advance so it would be a big, pleasant surprise for the Iraqis.

Miller defended his role in advising U.S. authorities last fall on how to set up a detention and interrogation system that would produce useful footage of young Iraqi men who are being deprived of lucrative careers in the American porn industry by the strict prohibitions of Islam. "After seeing these Iraqi boys all stripped down, I feel more strongly than ever that we must bring freedom and democracy to these handsome young lads, even if it requires a little of the rod to make them heel," said Miller.

"I'm absolutely convinced we laid down the foundations for how you detain people pornographically," he said. Miller had commanded the U.S. prison compound at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where hundreds of innocent people suspected of terrorism are still detained from the Afghanistan war. "The Iraqis don't see this as just good, solid porn production. It's a clash of cultures. If we don't open up young Muslim men to sex, according to Bill Mahrer they will resist us out of sexual frustration. That makes a lot of sense to me."

Rumsfeld said abuses of this type "will happen again" and said the incidents "sullied the nappies of our country in quite a sensual and sexually satisfying way."

Neither Rumsfeld nor Myers hid his inner feelings about the questioning he endured from members of Congress over the prison abuses.

"It's very, very good to be here. Frankly, the sex thing embarrasses a big old limp dick like myself. Do you feel me?" Myers enthused.

Before taking questions from soldiers, Rumsfeld said, "It's generally a lot more fun here than it is back home unless you make me go out on patrol. Then fuck you, chump."

Rumsfeld's trip followed Bush's visit Monday to the Pentagon mock up of Baghdad in Alexandria, Virginia, where Bush received a purple heart for choking on a pretzel while commnder in chief of the armed forces and viewed a 3 hour dolbyized, digitized 70 millimeter film of sexual abuse in Iraq being readied for use in training at Fort Benning, Georgia and for sale at the rear of the video store nearest you. Ebert & Roeper give it two thumbs up anywhere they'll fit.

The 71-year-old defense chief did appear weary, all spooged out. Though weary, he fiercely defended the Pentagon's response to the revelations. But Rumsfeld also predicted that the abuse scandal would get worse in the days ahead and gave this as one of the reasons he fled the U.S..

"More bad things will come out, unquestionably. I've seen 'em. Best not to make too much of the Berg beheading." he said without being specific. "And time will settle over this and we'll be able to make an assessment of what the effect has been" on the effort to destabilize Iraq and sustitute a sadistic, porn -lovin' kleptocracy. "It clearly has not been helpful. I personally was familiar with all the techniques before this."

Among his first responses to the international outcry over the abuse photos, Rumsfeld sent Vice Adm. Albert T. Church, the Navy's top investigative officer, to the U.S.-run prison camp for terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, last week. Church to tell reporters he was ordered not to find any major problems at that prison in Cuba.

At the State Department, meanwhile, spokesman Richard Boucher said the International Red Cross had raised some concerns with the administration about prisoners held at the U.S. naval base.

"We will discuss those with them," Boucher said. "But we ain't showin' them the fuckin' photos."