The Assassinated Press

At Peace With War:
Boomers Sit This One Out, Enjoy Iraqi Invasion Secure In the Knowledge That The Coming Draft Won't Net Them This Time:
Dartmouth Student Body First To Get the Draft Call:
Ramadi, Tikrit, Falluja, Baghdad, Najaf, Nasiriyah, Kut, Kufa...= Tet? Did the Geniuses At The Pentagon Miss Something?:
"There's Nothin' More Patriotic Than Watching American Boys Die On High Definition Digital TV."---New Sony Add

A Day in the Life of BARRY SODLIAR
As Told To YASO ADIODI of The Assassinated Press
April 8, 2004

Hermelink, Kansas--- "I like nothing better than to come home from a hard day at the salt mines and crack a couple of chillies," grins Barry Sodliar. "Then I pop on the tube and just pick one, Blather, Pinings, Macaw or the guy with the acrylic wig on Fox who scowls when he says EYE-Racki and wait til they go to the tape. Its been a great few days with things gettin' fucked up big time in Iraq and Bremer and Rumsfeld babbling almost as incoherently as McNamara used to about the EYE-Racki people want this and they want that while it appears to me that all the EYE-Racki people want to do is shoot the ballsack offa any American dumb enough to venture 11,000 miles from home to steal oil for Dick Cheney," Barry Sodliar told the Assassinated Press as his wife prepared dinner for us in there comfortable Hermelink home. "That smells like pot roast, and this," as he points to scenes of fighting in Iraq, "This smells like Tet."

"Christ! You think them Vichy schmucks on the Iraqi National Council would piss n' moan about U.S. brutality if they didn't think the insurgents in one form or another were gonna win and drag their sorry carcasses out into the street and burn them. Its a no fuckin' confidence in Bremer. Everything's up for grabs and everybody's trying to chip off a little piece of the rock for themselves. This is where the CIA does well. And Cheney may have to settle for Kurdish sweet crude up there in Mosul and Kirkuk. But that means sicking the Kurds on the Sunnis up there and that means civil fuckin' war. All the while the CIA is striking its little deals with anyone with a piece of something that State has to work around later when big slaughters are in the wind. But Cheney and Rumsfeld didn't do that. They blamed the CIA for everything from 9/11 to faulty intelligence on Iraq and left them out of the oil grab. The CIA don't play that. Cheney and Rumsfeld have destroyed hundreds of delicate contacts that U.S. intelligence has honed over the years and pumped their PNAC boy, the venereal Chalabi, who, in an election, might get 4 less votes than LaTortue in Haiti e.g. 9. Iraqis aren't stupid Americans, They know when they're being hustled. Leroy. Pass papa the mashed turnips."

"I mean lookie around at this table. The meat is cut up. We didn't have to wack the cow upside the head." The children giggle while Barry makes a wild whooshing gesture. "We didn't hang it, gut it and bleed it. We didn't watch the life spasm out its body. No we come to table and mumble "God is great, God is good. Some other fucker kilt our food" and chow down. Well, its the same thing with food production itself. We don't know the sweat that went into it except vicariously at the construction site. Expand it a little to oil, natural gas or even other foods like coffee and bananas and you realize we are sheltereed from the literal murders committed in our names, the 500 year bloodbath that has been the banana. And these younguns scarf 'em like they grew on a manna tree in the front yard."

"After being trained, military schmucks got little room for their minds to maneuver in, so you pick up echoes of ignorant things that were said in Vietnam transplanted to Iraq with no nuance of time and place. I heard one captain say the other day that the Iraqi insurgents were fighting behind women and children a typical complaint about the Viet Cong. But what does he think, he's going to taunt them out in the open to be cut in half by far superior weaponry and technology, one of the very lies used to get Captain Shitforbrains in the situation he's in. U.S. forces can only make Iraqis dead. They can't make them stupid. The fuckin' Iraqis want to win. And here its also very much like Vietnam, they want to win more than the Americans. Fact is that even if the cards were all on the table and every gas guzzling two bit moron in the U.S. admitted this is war for oil, oil would not be enough of an incentive for America to go all out and win though they murder for oil every chance they get when there is no perceived cost.

"I watch them damn rich fools like Cheney and Rumsfeld and think, man, this time they can't fuck with me. No more going to that stinkin' State college to avoid the draft and that grim reaper, Bob McNamara, cause I didn't take the SAT's and didn't know how much a whole lotta nines were so I could win the Dumb Enough To Die Lottery out of Cu Chih. No more dragging my teen aged wife and our babies down to the draft board beggin' for a 3A deferment. No more Section 8 threats to open fire on the draft board if I didn't get a 1Y or 4F. And thank god no more thinkin' I might have to kill innocent people I didn't know so obvious plutocratic thieves and murderers like Clark Clifford, Averill Harriman, Lyndon Johnson, Bill Moyers, Robert McNamara, McGeorge Bundy, Richard Nixon, Melvin Laird and Henry Kissinger could line their pockets.

"Now, I can tune in and sit back and relax secure that when the draft tolls it ain't gonna fuckin' toll for me. They can fuck make war and kill anybody. All's I got to do is lay here on the couch and watch. I got a better chance of my kid playin' in the NBA as bein' hit by a terroist bomb. And what would it matter anyway. Its all part of the social darwinist, real politique, divine right, didn't make no use of the oil anyway shit I'm always bein' told. So go. Kill 'em. I can't stop ya. Just don't fuckin' do it close to my house so's I got ta see it. Oh yeah. And the kleptocarcy can keep all the stuff they steal for themselve's like the kleptocracy's gonna give you shit and not make you beg to buy it through them anyway as you play macho chump on his knees in this blow job economy."

"Barry. Such language in front of the kids," Barry's wife, Karla, scolded.

"Daddy said blowjob," went the chorus of kids at the table, six of 'em Barry's and six more neighbor kids and two of Karla and Barry's grandkids.

Iraq the last few days has had the feel of Tet, but any inventory of differences obviously demonstrated that this situation is far worse. What we're in now is say the equivalent of the first big troop buildup under Johnson after the Kennedy kill. At the height of the Invasion of Southeast Asia there were over half a million American troops in Southeast Asia including Laos, Burma, Southern China, Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. Vietnam had a population of some 37 million people with no allies on their immediate borders. The Chinese were their historic enemies and Cambodia was a small Buddhist country. Though Laos had its own people's movement, the Pathet Lao, they had no alliance with North Vietnam and were kept busy by a secret war instigated by the CIA that in 1961 not one American in a 100,000 had heard about.

Iraq on the other hand has a population of 25,000,000 fractured by colonial fiat into three distinct groups, the Shi'ites, the Sunnis and the Kurds with many smaller minorities. But Islam with its 280,000,000 million adherents in the immediate region are already making the Vietnamese numbers look small and are forming up into diverse yet highly organized and effective cadres. Not exactly like the Chinese threat in the U.S. Invasion of Korea, but some strategic similarities. The Kurds have there natural allies chalked off by England and France siting in Turkey and Northern Iran; the nearest Sunni brethren are next door in Syria; and the Shi'ite brothers are in Iran, Saudi Arabia and Jordan. Colonial borders are as meaningless as a Tony Blair speech to these forces. And if they decide to coalesce along Sunni, Shi'ite, Kurd 'boundaries' git yo' ass out the way G.I. Schmo its civil war. Who doesn't think Paul Wolfowitz is a greedy moron now, please raise your hand after you've soaked it in jellied gasoline and set it on fire. Jesus fuck. We just had Clinton and his cripples dissing Tito for Caspian Sea oil and Kosovo mines---and to avoid more bloodshed there will require a perpetual presence, great for the kleptocrats getting rich, but shit for every one else. And now Albanians, Clinton's freedom fighters are murdering Serbs again whom the Western media utterly demonized to line there own pockets.

And a quick spin around Hermelink will also confirm another dimension reminiscent of Vietnam. The malls were packed and the war seemed the farthest thing from anyone's mind. People left their cars running to run inside and make a small purchase. Others cruised around the lot looking for a parking space 50 feet closer than the available one. Both the heating and the air conditioning systems roared from the roof of the building in an attempt to distance the shoppers from whatever weather reality had in store them outside.

So I handed the mike to Barry and he began to ask the shoppers some very basic questions. The basic answers revealed the same ignorance that "gets people killed" sort of holiday atmosphere that one might expect from lobotomized carny freaks or born again christians.

"Do you think what we are doing in Iraq is right?" Barry asked a young mother of three.

"Yes," she boldly answered as though challenging the notion itself in the form of a question was something she could destroy by sheer force of will, "We have got to fight terrorism and capture Osama."

'I'm thinkin',' Barry later said, 'What you mean we white girl,' but I persisted. "But bin Laden is not in Iraq and never was. Bin Laden is a Saudi who lived in the Sudan and Afghanistan."

"A what?" she replied.

"A Saudi. From Saudi Arabia."

"But that's from around there, ain't it?"

"Yeah but."

"But nothin'. I saw pictures of Osama with the Iraqi guy---" puzzlement, gum twirl, enlightenment, "Satan Hussein!"

"Well actually, you were more likely to see a picture of Don Rumsfeld with Saddam Hussein than Osama bin Laden."

"Don who?"

"Well, anyway Israel is in that general region. Don't you think you should be able to make a distinction between Iraq and Israel before we go bombing people?"

"You mean the Jews."

"Well, actually, I was referring to the State of Israel."

"Let me tell you somethin' about the Jews. One of my momma's uncles was in Patton's tank army that liberated Germany. But he told me that if he had known ahead a time that he was gonna to free Jews he wouldn'a gone. Lottsa people around here feel that way about them Christ killers. "

Barry told me about a similar experience he'd been having of late. It seems that as a kind of prank someone signed up Barry for all of these magazines he did not want. "I turned it into a little informal survey."

"Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. When I called Hearst publications the morons there didn't know who Patty Hearst was much less William Randolph Hearst. Remember the Maine? Fuck No!. Spanish-American War? Silence on the line. Citizen Kane? Nope. John Abizaid? American idol? It was astonishing. Not one correct answer. All it did was break up the tedium. Their's not mine. They kept asking me to ask them more questions, but when I went 0 for 4 on who was the U.S. Secretary of State, I canceled the subscriptions and thought if the choice was between knowing the world or your life as it is in many places under threat from the U.S., America would be depopulated. No wonder they're so easily suckered. If something negative happened to them the media's corporate explanation is the first they've heard about it.

"The draft can't come soon enough for me," Barry said the next morning over scrambled eggs, biscuits and grits. "I'll drive nails and staple for 8 or 10, then I'll come home kick off my boots and watch all those little fuckers squirm. Listen to arguments against going to EYE-rack become more and more sophisticated as self-interest, anxiety and a way dormant sense of decency prods them to learn at least about the history of the region in the way some of us have learned about Southeast Asia, so we could avoid empirical constructs. How's that Addie?"

"You're a fuckin' philosopher, Barry. A fuckin' philosopher."

Later that day a mutual friend, Phil Karney came out of the Starbucks carrying about six hundred plastic forks. He spotted us, "Hey, amigos," and immediately introduced the forks. "Saves on the dish washing."

"How ya been, Phil," Barry asked.

"Great! My wife split. My boys are in jail. My house fell over in a thunderstorm. My dog got rabies, bit me and died. And I've been diagnosed with colon cancer. But lately, I've had this overwhelming feeling of utter well-being! A mystical wordless transcendent experience."

"You found a CIA franchise that still mules that Thai stick outta Burma?"


"You're fucking that topless dancer at Freddy's again. The one with the collagen lips?"


"You gotta new dog? What?"

"No, man. Its Iraq. Think boys. Millions of people are going to die but this time I get to sit it out. I'm too old. My leg got burned off. You can smell it. The draft is coming. The plutocrats have eliminated too much combat fodder by jailing too many African-Americans and Hispanics through their criminal justice/construction kickback schemes to fill the ranks. The plutocrats best efforts to deny an education to poor and minority kids has not left enough of them out there to fill the ranks of a war on this scale. So the draft is coming to a college campus near you! Other nations? There was plenty of other nations in Vietnam and it didn't mean squat. And where I was once first, I am now last. And I couldn't be happier."

"So you're against the war?"

"No. Yaso. You schmuck. I'm for it. I never want this feeling to end!!!!"