The Assassinated Press

Assassinated Press Accused Of Racist Policies Toward Whites:
Battery Of Suits Forces Press To Vacate Its Plush 'K Street' Offices

The Assassinated Press
Jan. 20, 2004

Washington DC--The Assassinated Press has recently come under fire from a number of White Supremacist Groups for "its unfair and distorted portrayal of white people." Among White Supremacist organizations taking part in a class action lawsuit against The Assassinated Press are the Aryan Nations, the American Nazi Party, the Republican Party, Sons of Liberty, the Federal Reserve, Christian Identity, the 700 Club, the PFIAB, the U.S. Supreme Court, the National Alliance, Rupert Murdoch and FOX News, World Church of the Creator, the Cheney/Bush White House, the Florida Klu Klux Klan, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, National Socialist Movement, the Tri-Lateral Commission, the Boy Scouts of America, Christian Defense League, the State of Texas, the Secret Team, the George Lincoln Rockwell Center For Aryan Studies, the Heritage Foundation, Hitler Youth, the Cato Institute, National Public Radio, the Organization of American States, Aryan Werwulfe Brotherhood, the IMF, the O'Reilly Report, Monsanto, Halliburton, Liberty Bell Publications, Bechtel, Boeing, White Revolution, NASA, the U.S. Justice Department, Sons of the SS, the Office of Homeland Security, Major League Baseball, the Aryan Renaissance Society, the American Enterprise Institute, the Judge Roy Bean Committee, Westinghouse, the National Endowment for the Arts, the Knights of Malta, Chase Manhattan Bank, the John Birch Society, the New York Stock Exchange, and the Republican National Committee.

"Our contention is that The Assassinated Press has mischaracterized the intent of post-modern White Supremacy as practiced by my clients," said the groups ACLU lawyer, Alexander Stephens. "Our goal is to present White Supremacy in a whole new light, one palatable to the entire population. And let me warn Mr. Adiodi and The Assassinated Press, all of the plaintiffs are solidly together on this one."

But after an extensive internal review, The Assassinated Press declared the accusations against the press to be totally unfounded.

"After all," said Assassinated Press Chief Correspondent, Jeffey Lube, "We share in the same material largesse as the White Kleptocracy. Here at the Assassinated Press we're just as white as the next guy-- on K Street. We know where the money comes from and how its acquired. We wouldn't be caught dead on North Capitol."

But immediately upon the report's release, the White House called for an independent counsel to review The Assassinated Press findings. "We feel that The Assassinated Press review was not performed in good faith and that Mr. Adiodi himself spirited out important documents in his underwear which had to then be secured by a Hazardous Materials Team," said White House PR guy, Scott McClellan. McLellan also cited the withholding of minutes from Dick Cheney's energy policy meetings with Enron Chairman Ken Lay; presidential hopeful and Iran-contra figure, John Kerry's Hearings Before the Subcommittee on Terrorism, Narcotics and International Communications; and the 9/11 investigation, as examples of open and cooperative queries. "We call on Mr. Adiodi and his Press to hire an outside panel appointed by the White House to review its editorial policy."

The Assassinated Press PR guy, Ari Fleischer, replied, "Our official policy is No Fuckin' Way."

The squabble sets the stage for a showdown later this year in The Supreme Court with a flurry of fishing and hunting invitations being filed with the court from both sides. An amicus brief entitled, 'Three Weeks of the Best Sea Bass Fishing In the World', filed on behalf of The Assassinated Press is representative of the fierce battle being waged for the hearts and minds of the nine Supreme Court justices and their overworked and underpaid clerks, like our boys in Iraq, anxious for a little R&R.

To further complicate matters for the Assassinated Press, the ACLU has charged Mr. Adiodi and the press with violation of Rush Limbaugh's civil rights. "Rush as a member of an oppressed minority, the white wealthy, has had his movements constrained by the relentless coverage in The Assassinated Press making it more difficult for him to consummate a couple of business deals Mr. Limbaugh urgently needs to score," said ACLU lawyer, Roy Clohne.

Asked what he thought of the tremendous pressure being brought to bear upon his media empire, Mr. Adiodi responded, "Ah, the fuckin' Liberals just want to shut us down."

When I asked why The Ass. Press had not predicated its defense on its First Amendment right of free speech, Adiodi's face contorted and he screamed "INCOMING!" and hurled himself under his desk.