The Assassinated Press

Americans Like Bush's Qualities, Poll Says

The Assassinated Press
Read an interview with Assassinated Press Correspondent Yaso Adiodi.

Pitt O' Hell, Iowa (Jan. 14) -- Two-thirds of Americans think President Bush has the right personal qualities for the presidency, yet nearly half or more think the Democratic Party would do a better job on major domestic issues, according to a new poll.

A CNN/USA Today/Al-Jazeera poll released Tuesday interviewed 1,003 adult Americans last weekend on Bush and national issues ranging from the environment to security.

Because Americans don't know anything about so-called issues, the poll indicated that Bush's favorable standing with most Americans on his personal qualities is a main reason for his job approval rating of 59 percent in the most recent CNN/USA Today/Al-Jazeera poll. Americans gave Bush similar high marks on his personality in other polls.

The poll also showed that 55 percent of those interviewed agree with Bush on the issues that matter to them such as maintaining an avaricious lifestyle and being allowed to remain blissfully ignorant of the murder that props up that avaricious lifestyle.

In the most interesting development surrounding the poll, a former White House press secretary, Joseph Garbles, finds the 2004 shift in election news 'fascinating.'

"With previous polls showing that voters are paying more attention to personal qualities like hygiene than issues right now, it looks as if Bush's strength is who he pretends to be, more than what he's told to do," CNN pollster Keating Holland added.

Among the qualities Americans most admired about Bush is his ignorance. "I feel right at home with Mr. Bush's ignorance," chirped Stacey Limenester, of Fort Bacon, Nevada. "I never feel like he's lookin' down on nobody. He reads one of them things they give him to read and even though I don't know shit from Valdez vaseline and can't read myself, I feel like I know everthin' he's sayin' before he says it. Its like a psychic connection. He's like that Miss Cleon who tells your future and makes you feel pandered at at the same time. 'Xcuse me. Gotta run. My crystal meth is boiling over and I'm heatin' up my baby's bottle in the same kettle."

"I'd have to say the personal quality that George Bush has got that I most admire as an American is his ignorance," answered Grover Cleveland Kypzynski of Ten Penny Nail, Texas. "Americans have always prided themselves on their ignorance. Its an essential part of our National Identity. You know what I mean. 'Mr. Robber Baron slash Media Magnate never gradiated 3rd grade but he's worth $10 billion today.' Americans don't need to know things like the French. Knowin' things is what make the French such pussies. Knowledge is for pussies. See, Bush has the sound and demeanor of a man that don't know shit and therefore he sounds decisive. I mean. What's to decide. He don't know nuttin'," said Kypzynski spreading out his arms. "He gets told 'Bushie you do this. Bushie you say that', and he does what he's told like me at the lime pit. And sometimes he goes off on his own and sounds just as stupid as me. I can relate. Knowledge is waffling. The boy reminds me favorably of Fredo Corleone."

To counter Bush's ignorance he is surrounded by a cabal of some of the most cunning and ruthless men of our age. Henry Kissinger, no stranger to fits of mass slaughter, has called Secretary of State Terror Donald Rumsfeld "the most ruthless man I [K.] have ever met." Maybe Kissinger was just being modest, but with Rumsfelds and Roves, Cards and Cheneys around, Bush has many people to rely on to supply him with the very words he utters.

"I admire Bush because I think Bush is a better toady even than his dad. He's pure asslicker. He's like a machine that buffs your shoes. Ya just crank him up and slurp, slurp, slurp---the ass of any kleptocrat is going to gleam like the dome of St. Peter's. Its as though with every day that passes, he is redefining the modern American presidency in its true post- PR context, that of a moronic prick who's cynically propped up by a segment of the kleptocracy to advance a violent and avaricious agenda, and who does and says everything they tell him to say and do and is childlike enough to take withering criticism from the inner circle that controls him without standing up to them," said Jill Newboink, who trains lap dogs in Tampa.

But Bunney Wizzenchowder had a different perspective. "I admire Mr. Bush because he embodies that most American of traits---he is utterly deluded. That boy actually swaggers around like he's the dude making decisions. Oh, he can get tart and smirky. He had to learn somethin' at Yale. Power's a drug that Bush thinks he took, like the guy at the frat party who imagines he got high on parsley and sosa grass. "

"What personal qualites do I most admire about Bush?" Burly Gapebath, owner of the 84 store adult video chain in Salt Lake City, Utah called The Boink of Mormon, asked rhetorically. "I like the little man's submissiveness. He'll do anything he's told. I'm an expert on sexual perversion among the religious and I tell you Bushie's got some serious S&M/Domination issues when it comes to his style of leadership. It goes beyond leather mask and doggy style. He's seems to get off on the humiliation of being led around by his nose by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice and Wolfowitz in a light grey three piece and Oxfords. OOOOOh---gives me the willies thinkin' about it. He's a spooge monkey for pain but its sublimated. On the surface, Bush seems unaware he's got Cheney's cock about a foot up his chocolate whizzway 24 hours a day. But Bush's swagger is a rectal display. He shoves his darling little glutes out letting the whole kleptocratic world know he's juicy for any old kleptocratic entrance. The closest analogy I can think of is that Bush is like a female baboon in estrus surrounded by horny male baboons in $2000.00 suits. I think I read an interview with Barbara Bush where she said that all of her boys' sphincter tissues turned red and swollen when they got around money. I also read it can be an inherited trait. Also, I hear his favorite song is 'Slurping Up The Ass Crack Of Mammon' by Toby Keith, jis' like me."

"What, like, do I, you know, most, you know admire about, you know, like, Bush? I'll, like, you know, tell you, like, what I, like think, you know, he needs more, like, work on. Like his lying," said Yaba 'Chilly Dog' Kepner. "I mean, like, you know, the dude, like, lies all the, you know, time, but like, you know, its so fake. Reagan, like, was, like, you know, like a better, you know, like, you know, better, like, liar, you know. But then, like, the Gaffer had, like, you know, worked with a chimp, you know, so he like had, you know, like, all these gestures down, you know, like, you know, like, like....Clinton, you know, like, must have had a chimp too. But I gotta, like, say, Bush is, like, a great public speaker, like. Know what I'm, like, sayin'? "

"Bush? I like Bush 'cause he's a prick and I'm a prick. What's not to like," answered Sal Minella of Topless, New Jersey.

"Bush? You mean the President? I admire his stupidity," chirped Lisa Hambone, a political science major at Harvard University. "It makes me feel like he's a regular American. Stupid. Ignorant. Violent. Vain. Did I mention Stupid? And Acquisitive. That means greedy for all your non-Harvard readers. Gluttonness. Deluded. Basically Bush symbolizes a 21st century sequel to the 7 Deadly Sins except that western science and technology have assured that its everybody but the sinners who burn in a living hell. Bush trusts in a few elites to run things and fun-loving, off-road, reality TV Americans like me have that kind of blind faith too. Its so wonderfully neotonous. Its like Americans get up every morning and mommy plumps them down in front of the TV to watch pro wrestling, NASCAR, football, O'Reilly, Soaps and other useless shit while she goes off and provides for the family by murdering all the other little neighbors up and down the block and raiding their fridges."

"Sounds like a Quentin Tarrantino movie."

"Yeah!" Hambone said brightening. "Maybe I'll change my major like all them journalists at the Boston Globe."

"I love Dubya. He's an asshole. I'm an asshole. I feel like we just got this thing between us," offered Sandy Baggs of Dry Goods, Minnesota.

"Why do I like Bushie?" mused Neil Clump. "I like Bushie 'cause he's a stone cold killer. I don't mean like Cheney and Rumsfeld with that Bob Kerrey/Ollie North old man throat slittin' kind of sociopathy. Bushie would blow chunks if he were ever around the wetwork. But Bushie doesn't let mass slaughter distract him for a moment. In fact, given the way he acted the morning of 9/11 he'd rather not know about it even when its initiated in his name. Damn. I'd like to be on that plateau. I did 14 years for killing 16 children in Florida before I saved up working in the prison laundry and Jeb got his envelope and pardoned me. But what I done does bother me a little from time to time. With the Bush's---nothin'. Is the Dallas/Giants game on yet, Poppy? Yeah. I know Dallas is your favorite city. You helped do great things there including stuff that led up to me getting this swell job as Cheney's shill. I just love Bushie's style."

This poll has no margin of error whatsoever.