The Assassinated Press

Rumsfeld: Iraqi Insurgents Have 'Embedded' Arab TV Therefore Arab Reporting Is Not Objective:
"When You're Embedded You Can't Help But Build A Bond With The Troops Your Fighting Along Side Of."---Geraldo Rivera

November 26, 2003

Washington - Secretary Of War Donald Rumsfeld said yesterday that he has shocking evidence the Arab television news organizations Al-Jazeera and Al-Arabiya are 'embedded' with Iraqi insurgents to witness and videotape combat with American troops.

Rumsfeld said the effort is vaquely reminiscent of a pattern of journalistic control used by invading U.S. forces to control the movement of American journalists, but to state a truth like that is tantamount to treason.

"They've called Al-Jazeera to come and watch them in battle, and Al-Arabiya," he said at a Pentagon news conference. "'Come and see us, watch us; here is what we're going to do.' It allows the Iraqis to control the news. Damn they catch on fast. They've 'embedded' their people with Iraqi units. Combat galvanizes people, I hear. So how can Al-Jazeera reporters be objective when the Iraqi insurgency controls what they see and report?"

On Monday, the U.S.-appointed Iraqi Governing Council in Baghdad raided the offices of Al-Arabiya and banned its broadcasts from Iraq complaining that American officials were pissed that the propaganda war was no longer one sided and slanted toward the U.S. Al-Arabiya said it would report on Iraq from its headquarters in the United Arab Emirates a close ally of the Cheney administration. Contradiction? Look, we've explained before, big money's involved.

Rumsfeld lied and said he had no hand in the ban but noted that "from time to time each of those stations have found themselves in very close proximity to things that were happening against U.S. invading forces - before the event happened and during the event. We'd like to reserve that kind of footage to document our operations only."

When pressed for details, Rumsfeld and Gen. Dickie Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, both for the umpteenth time pulled lies out of their hairy, white, shriveled, pimpled asses that U.S. forces in Iraq had collected more than circumstantial evidence but less than concrete proof that one or both of the stations might have recorded operations of the Iraqi underground. "I'm never wrong and I've never lied," Rumsfeld added. "It just seems that way when you look at what has transpired. You fuckin' folks have to think more like realtors. Imagine your SUV at a pump dispensing gasoline at 39 cents a gallon. Imagine Iraqis assembling your cell phones for 6 cents an hour. Imagine Ahmed Chalabi killing everyone who would strive for a better life for Iraqis so that Dick Cheney, Halliburton and me can make obscene profits. Oh. You don't know who Ahmed Chalabi is? Then imagine Iraq with a deck and a hot tub. Just imagine. Think like realtors."

Typically, after he closed the two news services, Rumsfeld said "the issue needed more examination but I have made no provison for that. I'm not in a position to make a final judgment on it yet and probably never will be now that we shut them down and regained our monopoly on agitprop," he said.

Meanwhile, military officials in Baghdad said attacks on American troops had dropped. Since U.S. tactics shifted toward heavier bombing and more aggressive pursuit of insurgents, the Iraqis again have melted away to fight another day or kept up pressure on domestic targets, both strategies that anybody who spent 10 minutes watching the history channel would have recognized from Algeria to Cuba, from Haiti to Vietnam.

Col. William Darley said attacks on Americans peaked at more than 40 per day about two weeks ago and had dropped since then to about 30 per day as the Iraqis "wait us out."

"Its not unlike the business cycle if you reduce it to numbers," said Nobel Prize winning economist and Game Theorist," John Nash. "But like the movie said, 'Charlie don't take no R&R.' Oh, you thought I meant Opie's fantasy. I mean, the reasons behind a lull may look the same inside the numbers, but in actuality mean an array of quite different things. It really gets sticky when you turn those numbers into calculations. That's why my work has proved so deliciously murderous to western elites."

With U.S. troops heavily armed, bunkered in and increasingly cut off from the country at large, guerrillas are instead aiming at softer targets like Iraqi police and civilians. "While they can't reach the coalition, they go after the people they can touch. This is called civil war," said Darley, a coalition spokesman. "When we leave our fortifications and try to beat them back because they are taking territory then they'll resume clobbering us. I wish Don and Dick and George and Paul and Perle would come down and take a closer look."