The Assassinated Press

Is Your Greedy, Homicidal Kleptocracy Putting Murderous Thoughts In Your Head?! Well, Relief Is Just A Round Up And A Plane Ride Away.
Here’s An Offer Too Good To Refuse!!
A Major Coalition Of Iraq's Guerrilla Forces Says It Will Cease Hostilities If U.S. Citizens Will Turn Over U.S. War Criminals And Kleptocrats Responsible For Iraq War!!
“Let Us Dispose Of Your Criminal Class For You,” Iraqi Freedom Fighters Offer. “We Let You Have Saddam And His Pricks. Let Us Have Your Kleptocrats And Your Boys Can Come Home. Our's Too.”

Special to the Assassinated Press

Much has been made of recent U.S. military efforts to sign a cease fire with a significant portion of Iraqi insurgents. But so far the nature of the cease fire has been kept from the American public because of the sensitive nature of Iraqi demands.

Iraqi insurgents and al-Qaeda in Iraq have agreed to a permanent cease fire if The U.S. is willing to turn over the people most responsible for the destruction of Iraq.

There’s nothing surprising in Iraq’s latest gesture to end the war. And most Americans would be eager to turn over that portion of the American kleptocracy most responsible for the current carnage. It’s the substance of the Iraqi offer that makes it so exciting because of its long term prospects for world peace.

Iraqi insurgent forces propose that the U.S. kleptocrats most responsible for the war be helicoptered into al-Anbar Province in Iraq and dropped off in full body armor and equipped with the latest American weapons. Then a contingent made up of Iraqi insurgents, a small group of people chosen from the general Iraqi population by lottery, a small group of American servicemen and one lucky individual drawn by lottery from the U.S. will hunt down the shits that started the war for oil in Iraq and who earlier suckered Iraq into invading its former territory, Kuwait. While the chosen contingent of joint al-Qaeda, Iraqi and American insurgents gun down and bomb the guilty parties in the desert, the whole thing will be filmed by Francis Ford Coppola. The world will watch a live broadcast using Aegis drone aircraft. All in all it is a tantalizing offer and will help rid America and the World of some of its worst criminals. But the Iraqis say that the offer is not open ended so we must act now!

The proposal has not proved controversial. A FOX news poll, later suppressed, showed that 99% of Iraqis would like to participate in hunting down the murderous U.S. kleptocracy while 89% of the U.S. military said they would be willing to participate and 86% of the American population would relish being that chosen one who could lay a few hundred rounds into the limp bodies of the founders of the Project for the New American Century or members of the current administration.

A tentative list of kleptocratic commandos to be shipped off to Iraq includes corporate CEOS, members of the current and former administrations and Congress, think tank operatives, and members of U.S. intelligence and the media.

For further information or to add kleptocrats to the list of the wealthy elite who will finally die in your stead instead of you dying in their's contact The People’s National Accountability Committee at

A partial list of kleptocrats to be shipped to Iraq appears below:
President Dick Cheney, former Halliburton CEO, founder PNAC
Karl Rove, White House Chief of Stink
Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General
George W. Bush, Fist Puppet
Richard Perle, Defense Advisory Board
James Woolsey, snarling PNAC neo-con, former Director of Central Intelligence and head of the Central Intelligence Agency
Stephen Hadley, National Security Advisor and PNAC founder
Paul Wolfowitz, former Under Secretary of Defense, former World Bank head, PNAC founder
Douglas Feith, Under Secretary of Defense Policy
Elliott Abrams,Deputy National Security Advisor, PNAC founder
Zalmay Khalilzad, Ambassador to the United Nations, former ambassador to Iraq and Afghanistan, founder PNAC
Don Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, founder PNAC
I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby, former senior White House advisor, founder PNAC, pending sentencing may not be available
Condoleeza Rice, Secretary of State
Robert M. Gates, Secretary of Defense
George Tenet, former head of CIA
John Bolton, former ambassador to the U.N.
Kenneth Adelman, Pentagon Advisor
L. Paul Bremer, Director of Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance Iraq
Henry A. Kissinger
John D. Negroponte, Deputy Secretary of State
Dov S. Zakheim, former Under Secretary of Defense, Comptroller, and Chief Financial Officer (CFO) for the Department of Defense
Stephen Cambone, Under-Secretary of Defense for Intelligence
Michael Chertoff, Department of Homeland Security
Jack Abramoff, lobbyist pending prison term
George Soros, Speculator
Warren Buffett, Speculator
T. Boone Pickens, Speculator
Bill Gates, Software Thief, Speculator
Andrew Card, former White House Chief of Staff
Scott McClellan, former White House Spokesman
Ari Fleischer, former White House Spokesman
Tony Snow, White House Spokesman
Dana Perino, White House Spokesman
Dave O’Reilly, Chevron Texaco CEO
Rex Tillerson, Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer, Exxon Mobil Corporation
Lee Raymond, former CEO Exxon Mobil
James Mulva, Chairman, CEO and President, Conoco Phillips
Lord John Browne, BP CEO (British citizen)
Ray R Irani, the CEO of Occidental Petroleum (OXY)
Jeroen van der Veer Royal Dutch/Shell Chief Executive (Dutch citizen)
James J. O’Brien, Ashland CEO
William Swanson, Raytheon CEO
Ronald D. Sugar, Northrop Grumman CEO
Van Honeycutt, Dyncorp CEO
Erik Prince, Blackwater CEO
Entire Governance Board, Halliburton Corp.
Rupert Murdoch, Chairman News Corporation (Australian citizen)
Riley P. Bechtel, Bechtel CEO
W. James McNerney Jr., President, Chairman, and CEO Boeing Corp.
Harry Stonecipher, former CEO Boeing Corp.
Phil Condit, former CEO Boeing Corp.
Robert J. Stevens: Chairman, President, and CEO, Lockheed Martin
Alan Boeckmann, Chairman and CEO of Fluor Corp
William E. Leonhard--Chairman, President, and CEO of the Parsons Corporation
Peter Pace, Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff
James R. Schlesinger, former Director of the CIA
Frank C. Carlucci, Chairman Carlyle Group, former head of CIA
Cofer Black, Blackwater Vice Chairman
Bill Clinton, former U.S. President
George Herbert Walker Bush, former U.S. president
Colin Powell, former Secretary of State
George Schultz, former U.S. Secretary of State
James Baker III, former Secretary of State
Madeline Albright, former Secretary of State., table dancer in American Express commercial
Sandy Berger, former National Security Advisor
Gen. Barry R. McCaffrey
Sen. Orrin Hatch aka Whorin’ Orrin Snatch (R-UT)
Senator Pete V. Domenici (R-NM)
Congressman Dennis Hastert (R-IL)
Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, (R-Tex.)
Senator Joe Biden, D-DE)
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) (right at home in Baghdad anyway)
William Kristol, editor Weekly Standard, Chairman PNAC
Paula J. Dobriansky, Under Secretary, Democracy and Global Affairs, PNAC founder
"Steve" Forbes Jr., Forbes Magazine, PNAC founder
Francis Fukuyama, author, PNAC founder
Donald Kagan, author, PNAC founder
Vin Weber, former director of NED, PNAC founder
Dan Quayle, Hudson Institute, PNAC founder (rough tough Ollie North can show him the ropes)
Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, PNAC founder
William J. Bennett, former Drug Czar, former Secretary of Education, PNAC founder
Gary Bauer, Evangelical Christian, PNAC founder
Eliot A. Cohen is a professor at the Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), PNAC founder
Elizabeth Hasselbeck, The View
Bill O’Reilly, host of No Spin Zone with slogan "Fairly Unbalanced"
Oliver North, War Stories, Fox News
Brit Hume, Special Report, Fox News
Sean Hannity, Hannity and Colmes, Fox News
Alan Colmes, Colmes and Hannity, Fox News
John Kasich, Heartland, Fox News
Congresswoman Lincoln Diaz-Balart (R-FL)
Congressman Dan Burton (R-IN, birthplace of the Klan)
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, (R-TX)
Senator Joe Lieberman (ID-CT)
Senator Evan Bayh, (R-IN)
Jeane Kirkpatrick, former U.S. Ambassador to the UN , CSIS
Wolf Blitzer, CNN Host
Charles Krauthammer, columnist and gadfly
Daniel Pipes, Middle East Quarterly
Edward Luttwak, Member of the National Security Study Group
George Will, columnist, gadlfy
Norman Podheretz, editor, silly fuck, PNAC founder
David Gergen, whore, hack