"To wage by force or guile eternal war."
---the tattoo burned into the ass of initiates at
The Project For The New American Century

The Assassinated Press

It's Official: Dick Cheney Is The World's First Trillionaire!!:
Cheney Bombs His Way Into Top Spot!!:
Forbes' Magazine Hails The Fellow Founding Member Of The Project For The New American Century As World's Richest Kleptocrat!!:
World's Richest Man Or Cheney Of Fools!?!?:

The Assassinated Press
3/21/03 3:00EST

New York City ---With a stroke of the pen and a hail of bombs, President de facto Dick Cheney has swept away the highest standards of personal wealth of the 20th century and seemingly raised the bar for many decades to come! Move over Bill Gates and Warren Buffett and make way for the World's First Trillionaire!

Upon tailoring an agreement as President de facto with a subsidiary of his former company, Halliburton, Mr. Cheney laid the $900,000,000 groundwork for his trillion dollar fortune! Now, with the $36 trillion in reserves in the oil rich regions of Mosul and Kirkuk in Northern Iraq in the gunsights of Cheney's forces, the 60 something, balding, heart patient has become the world's first trillionaire!

"Since Dick still holds thousands and thousands of shares of Halliburton and its numerous subsidiaries, he in essence signed a contract with himself to have control of the major Iraqi oil fields! Pretty fuckin' slick. With this announcement, we certainly had our own "shock and awe" here today in New York," said Steve Forbes fellow member of The Project For the New American Century and fellow financial beneficiary, at a celebratory banquet for Cheney held in David Rockefeller's private suite in the refurbished bunkered boiler room in the basement of the Waldorf Astoria in New York City.

"Did any of you ever wonder why Dick fought those congressional subpoenas so hard? He sure didn't want the prying eyes of Congress reading what he and his buds in the energy business were plotting behind closed doors. Christ! If those venal fuckers in congress would a found out, they all would have wanted a taste. I'm sure that would have made it very difficult for Dick to reach the trillion dollar plateau."

Along with Cheney, a number of other individuals in the Cheney/Bush Administration who just coincidentally happen to be members of The Project For The New American Century saw their financial fortunes soar like CRUISE missiles along with PNAC founder William Kristol and, Richard Perle, a former Reagan official who is currently a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and a member of the Defense Policy Board and longtime advocate of a grab for Iraqi oil. Five members of the Cheney/Bush team became newly minted billionaires along with Kristol and Perle. Here is a partial list of the group who had the financial foresight to advocate the separation of the Iraqis from their oil. "To the victor, go the spoils."

Richard 'Dick' Cheney- PNAC member, President de facto of the United States and Halliburton shareholder as well as former Chairman

Donald 'Don' Rumsfeld - PNAC member and Secretary of War who coined the phrase "humane bomb" which is often mistakenly attributed to Joseph Goebbels

William Kristol - founder of the PNAC and tanned like a lizard

Paul Wolfowitz - PNAC member and deputy Secretary of War

John Bolton - PNAC member and undersecretary of state

Paula Dobriansky - PNAC member and Secretary for Global Affairs

Zalmay Khalilzad: - PNAC member and US Envoy to the Middle East. Speaks fluent backsheesh

I. Lewis Libby - PNAC member and now President de facto Cheney's chief-of-staff

Eliot Cohen - PNAC member and member of the Defense Policy Board

Devon Cross - PNAC member and member of the Defense Policy Board

Steve Forbes - PNAC member, owner of Forbe's Magazine

Elliott Abrams - PNAC member and National Security Council, Middle East Affairs, known as the Butcher of Managua

Richard Perle - The Olin Foundation's 'Portly Little Fellow' at the American Enterprise Institute

Other PNAC members include Jeb Bush, George's half-brother; Ken Lay; Francis Fuckyomama; Pamela Anderson; Jeffrey Skilling; Dan Quayle; Charles Manson; Gary Bauer; Orlando Bosch; Charles Keating; Michael Milkem; Gunga Dinesh and his 'I Carry Water For the White Man Chorale'; Arnold Schwartzenegger; John Hull; John Singlaub; Charleton Heston; Carrot Top; Jerry Falwell; Candie Apples; Rev. Van Impy; Ted Kopple; Midge Dector; and Britney Spears.

When asked what it felt like to control as much wealth as all of the world's GNPs combined excluding the U.S., Cheney said, "Along with control of the U.S. armed forces that's a mighty big club and we at the PNAC have always been open about our desire to wield that club. Of course, were bullshitting about rebuilding Iraq. I mean we'll get our companies in there so we can collect the money, but look at Afghanistan. We really haven't done shit except make the raw opium/heroin trade number one in the world again. Even Nightline can't cover it up. I mean look at our track record on that score. Say, Nicaragua or heaven forbid, South-East Asia. Listen up. After we destroy a country its recovery mimics what it was before we leveled it. The rest is State Department agitprop.

"The good news is, we do plan to give the Palestinians their own state. The bad news is its Haiti. Start packin', Haitians.

"And through our Satanic/Miltonic quest for 'eternal war' we hope to provide security for Israel through perpetual region-wide conflict. We figure the Israeli people won't notice any difference.

"If the world keeps in mind a few of our important rules we will get along fine. If we want to kill you and take your natural resources, that's okay. We're white, Cartesian and pre-ordained to roam the earth like gods. Our media will remind you of this every nano-second of the day.

"But though we're demi-urges, we need huge infusions of money and resources to survive as a separate species. We're after all capitalist demi-urges. And that stuff about us spreading a little of the wealth around. That's horse shit, mostly shat for American consumption. They'll eat anything. Witness Taco Bell."

I went out onto to the street to ask John Q? Public what they thought of Dick Cheney's 'good fortune.'

"What do you think of Dick Cheney becoming the world's first trillionaire?" I asked a woman of about thirty with three young children.

"I don't know who Dick Cheney is, but I'm sure if he's got a trillion dollars, they'll do a spot about him on Entertainment Tonight."

An unemployed airline baggage handler had this response. "That's great. I'm glad somebody's doing good. That's what I love about America. Here, living someone else's life vicariously if taken with the right stimulants almost feels like the real thing."

A scruffy looking, middle aged man of Italian descent had a very different take. "Fuck! This administration is like the perfect marriage of the patrician and the stooge classes. Its almost like a figment of the media's darkest and most banal fantasy come to life. A cartoon neck deep in real blood. If a group of heavily armed men, part of a huge and powerful army, stormed into this town, Washington DC, saying they were liberating me from Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, I'd come out and shake their hands, smile and laugh and maybe even kiss them on the cheek. Then I'd go home and get ready for anything."

my copy right or wrong The Assassinated Press