The Assassinated Press

Joint Chiefs Realize U.S. Forces In Gulf Are Pointed In the Wrong Direction:
Camp New York---When Being All You Can Be Embarrasses Yo Mama:
The Monumental and Willful Ignorance Of The Media On Full Display Thru Doomsday

The Assassinated Press
March 14, 2003

After 7 days of frantic policy and planning sessions the Joint Chiefs of Staff in conjunction with the Secretary of War and members of the National Security Council have determined why a coalition in favor of an all out attack on Iraq has been so hard to come by.

"Damn! On the 7th day it finally hit me," said Secretary of War Don Rumsfeld smacking his forehead with a pearl handled garotte, a gift from his former friend and business partner, Saddam Hussein. "I was watching the evening news with my 4 year old grandson where a fresh faced young marine barely old enough to jerk off in a jake was being interviewed. The attractive, young journalist with that brainless, 'scooped out' look they like to cultivate at journalism schools, asked the young marine why they had called their installation in Kuwait, Camp New York. The marine answered, 'Well mam. We call it Camp New York so that we won't forgit why we're here."

At that point my four year old grandson turned to me and said, 'Gramps. That marine is one Dumb Motherfuckin' Jarhead.'

Taken aback I said, 'Tommy. Whatever could you mean?'

'I mean, Gramps, that no matter how hard you and your lying, cheating, sniveling, underhanded, venal little cronies like Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, Colin Powell, Douglas Feith, Elliott Abrams and Karl Rove have tried, you haven't been able to present one shred of evidence that Iraq had anything to do with 9/11. What's more Iraq is a secular state and therefore is anathema to fundamentalist movements like Al-Qaeda. So that marine is one Sorry Little Sack Canker Of A Victim.' Even I, though I'm only 4 years old, know that 15 of the 19 high jackers on 9/11 were Saudis.'

'So,' I said, 'What you're saying, Tommy is if the Cheney administration is going to continue to blow it out its collective ass by insisting that one of the reasons for going into Iraq is to reduce the threat of terrorism, people in the world with an IQ, say, over 50 like the French are going to know we are a bunch of Rim Licking Liars who are in it for the $36 trillion in oil that Iraq has.'

'That's right, Gramps Rumsfeld, you Perfidy Puckering, Stinking Sociopath. We're on to you, Gramps.'

'Just then it hit me and I got Dickie Myers on the phone. Fortunately, Dickie had just finished up with his handsome Filipino masseuse, Cumwado. Dickie, I shouted into the receiver. I've just figured out why we can't build no coalition. The army's pointed in the wrong direction. Turn 'em around and point 'em toward Saudi Arabia. I'll tell Wolfowitz to go tell Turkey to go fuck itself. Tell the Kurds we won't be double crossing them again, at least not for the next few weeks. I'll take the $22 billion I got stashed in the garage and offer it to Yemen. We're gonna take down the Saudi Royal sheikdom and steal THEIR oil. They got more oil than Iraq anyway. Mecca? Awe fuck, Dickie. Your bustin' my chubby.'"

Below is a primer published for those in the Mental Midgetry Of Mainstream Media and the Valiantly Ignorant American People who might be confused by the recent impotence shown by U.S. leaders and the think tanks such as the American Enterprise Institute, the Heritage Foundation and the Project For The New American Century that spawn the rosters of the unelected war mongerers and greed merchants that in turn stooge for capital.

1. Valiantly Ignorant Citizens' Simpering Nonsense-- Iraq is developing nuk'lar weepons.

Answer: No Stupid. Those documents were forged and the Cheney administration, including Secretary of State Colin Powell, said they were 'taken in' by the forgeries. To the sentient, this is another instance that illustrates why this administration is not competent to lick its own balls much less lead and should be forced into exile or, since it has proven itself to be so venal and avaricious, to accomodate the fact that they seem to be inviting an altogether more violent dispensation.

2. VICSN--Iraq is linked to AlQaeda.

A. No Asswipe. That's one of the 5 lies Karl Rove writes on Monkey Boy's cuff before press conferences. Iraq is a secular state which has been condemned by Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, the Iranian clergy with ties to the Shi'ites in southern Iraq and Al Qaeda. You must mean Pakistan that HAS had strong ties to AlQaeda especially through its U.S. founded and funded intelligence service, the ISI and its military, you fuckin' moron. Pakistan don't have oil but they pick up U.S. methods of repression real good.

3. VICSN--Saddam is evil.

A. He was just as evil in the 80's when we supported him, more so under U.S. tutelage. After all, Don Rumsfeld was his buddy then and mass murderer, Henry Kissinger, once called Donny 'I Sold Nuclear Material To North Korea' Rumsfeld "the most ruthless man [he] ever met" and that's saying something coming from the butcher of Indonesia/Timor/Chile etc. ad nausem. Compared to Kissinger, or Rummy for that matter, Klaus Barbie was a piker. Oh, by the way there's something very evil in your ignorance, O Great American Buffaload, actually murderous, you Piece of Deliberately Stupid Colon Wrap.

4.VICSN-- Iraq has biological and chemical weapons.

A. Like ours. Damn! That looks just like ours! Sheeite! That is ours! It still says Honeywell on the canister. The U.S. musta sold it to Saddam. Don Rumsfeld cut a few deals himself. And the U.S. provided Saddam with expertise on how to best use the WMD against the Iranians during the Iran/Iraq war. You see, you Fuck Faced Cum Wipe, we didn't want the fundamentalist, AlQaeda loving Iranians to overthrow the Secular/Baathist, Nasserite Iraqis. Am I going to fast for you, you Cum Sucking Gene Pool Dropout.

5. VICSN--They have weapons of mass destruction.

A. Meanwhile we show off a 22000 lb. bomb and talk of a "wow and awe campaign" to rival Hiroshima against a population that the CIA estimates to be over 40% children. To top it off, you Fetid Mound of Pig Offal, U.S. supplied those WMDs too and your so high on the Universal Mental Victims List you didn't even get a penny. As a matter of fact, Needle Dick, you subsidized Saddam's WMD program with your tax tribute and Saddam long ago destroyed everything the U.S. sold him under U.N. sanctions and again you, you Consummmate Victim/Idiot Combo with Special Chump Sauce, paid for it with your tax dollars and the Continuing Criminal Enterprise known as Corporate America pocketed the cash. No wonder Halliburton exec., Dick 'The Prick' Cheney don't respect you. You give it up every which way to Sunday. No wonder the pols feel comfortable putting another brain dead, felon in the office of chief executive. They look at the polls and the surveys, and the monumental and willful ignorance of the evening news, and they think 'PATSIES'. They think 'PATSIES' light years beyond Lee Harvey Oswald. They think a nation of drooling, genocidal Lee Harvey Oswald's.

6. VICSN--We'll bring democracy to the region.

A. (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) Yeah right, Shit For Brains. That Big Lie is probably coming from the likes of that career murderer and felon, Elliott Abrams, of Iran-contra fame whom Cheney has made director of Middle East affairs at the National Security Council. To him and his cronies democratizing you is indistinguishable from killing you. Meanwhile we're busy killing what little democracy there was here at home. Not that you ever had the guts or the brains to make much use of it. The U.S. is very selective about what democracies it lets live and the ones it murders off out of self-interest. And we just can't seem to get enough of 'democrats' like Aleman, Pinochet, Mubarak, Mobutu or Suharto. Yet the list of electoral democracies that the U.S. has butchered out of existence is legend. Just because you're too ignorant and lazy to know about it doesn't mean the murder of democratic aspirations at the hands of the U.S. didn't happen in Guatemala, Iran, the Dominican Republic, Brazil, Uruguay, Chile, Nicaragua, Indonesia,...Awe Fuckin' Christ. Go read a book, you Lost Little Ignorant Cunt. Read "Killing Hope".

And remember, Stupid, Iraq is composed of three antagonistic ethnic groups cobbled together to serve the needs of British Petroleum.

But enough for now, you Worthless Wad Of Sterile Cunt Corking. How could I expect a Moron like you to get your head around a concept like borders carved out to serve Big Oil, when every Little Mother's Mistake in the whole damn U.S. Army is too brain dead to figure out they are pointed 180 degrees in the wrong direction if their goal is to redress the events of 9/11 like that Fresh Faced Idiot of a serviceman told that blow dried journalist with the Scooped Out expression on her face? Blink, Honey.

Rumsfeld just wants the money. Some of us Brighter Types figured that out at their own "dawn's early light" e.g. the Gulf of Tonkin. So long, Suckers.

my copy right or wrong The Assassassassinated Prass