"The war to grab Iraqi oil has already begun. There's not a moment to lose."
---Annapolis Cadet, Douglas X. MacArthur

The Assassinated Press

It's A Fucked Up Day In The Neighborhood:
Tensions Mount: Fear Grips White Washington:
Tens Of Thousands Of Youths, Cadets, College Students
Form Smedley Butler Brigades To Conscript War Profiteers,
Alter U.S. Foreign Policy


February 14, 2003

Washington - Where once there was only heightened security for those high level officials that really mattered, now anti-aircraft missiles pierce the landscape around Washington some seemingly aimed at public housing projects close by. Police roam the Capitol grounds aiming assault weapons and machine guns at tourists especially ones with dark skin. Washington tanning salons report an 97% fall off in business. White suburbanites empty stores of duct tape. It's even been suggested that officials remove vanity plates that mark them as members of Congress, because there could be a backlash from the neurotic, prozac and scotch soaked white population of the Nation's Capitol if no terror event occurs

The threat of a terrorist attack has some in the Washington area on edge. But apparently there is no genuine threat. "The only explanation is guilt," said Washington psychologist, Paul Schilder. "But I treat these shits and, given the amount of the world's wealth that they've already stolen factored in with the amount of slaughter world wide they have initiated and condoned, I didn't think they were capable of guilt. Now, as a clinician, I would hasten to add that we're not necessarily talkng about career socio-paths here like George Bush, Don Rumsfeld, Elliott Abrams or Richard Perle, but they do count such people among their neighbors and colleagues. They do do business with them."

"I would'na pegged white folks in Washington for such morons," said Wilmur Fleegle, mayor of Winston, KY, population 476. "I think the cat in Colorado got it right when he said the only duct tape he was buying was to use to wrap shut the mouths of the politicians creating this scare."

Two Salvadoran maintenance workers who refused to give their names, said they were delighted to see the 'white asses' so scared. "Now, they know how we felt when the handler's of that diseased piece of excrement, Ronald Reagan, murdered us on behalf of the 13 families," one meekly interjected.

"Shit, its like the Nam. You gotta take your lumps. You on everybody else's turf stealing their stuff and killing 'em if they get in the way. It's like the poet said in his poem, The Mosquito, 'When a good swatter comes my way, I'll smack you without a blink.' Now, you tell me that Dick Cheney's or William Bennett's gut isn't a blood sack," mused Alabama gun dealer, Alf Syndrom.

"We're trying to maintain sanity but these people are whiny, self-absorbed little shits ," said Mary Shaw of the Fairfax County Public Schools in suburban Virginia, where parents have besieged administrators, fearing their children will be held at school and used by the administration as human shields in case of an attack. "I could ring Tom Ridge's neck. Why on earth arouse these paranoid, insecure fucks."

The region's sensibility has been rattled by recent government statements that Washington, as well as New York, is a prime target of terrorists who are imagined as increasingly likely to attack.

"We have absolutely no interest in taking an honest look at U.S. foreign policy," Said Don Rumsfeld. "If some white people who thought we gave a rat's ass about them end up as collateral damage, then so be it. If we're making it all up just to whip up hysteria and pump up 3M's stock, then you all are gonna have to suck that up too."

When asked if the fact that plastic sheeting and tape were petroleum products had anything to do with the alert, Rumsfeld sneered, " Those revenues wouldn't even cover my bar tab at the Mayflower excluding the heroin."

Again, when asked if duct taping your windows and covering them with plastic would be an effective way to thwart a biological or chemical attack, Rumsfeld deferred to the chief Pentagon psy-ops expert, Dr. Sidney Gottlieb. Gottlieb said, "We're not really concerned about whether people will be adequately protected. Jesus, if you don't suffocate yourself in a taped up room any agent can get under your door jamb or into your venting system. Any 5 year old outside of Bethesda/Chevy Chase could tell you that. What we want to do is panic these idiots and then monitor their behavior closely. Its interesting how this particular population with their advanced degrees and high incomes are so easily manipulated and controlled. This will tell us a whole lot about how to continually dispose of public opinion when our betters want to make an international grab using military force like this oil boost that's gotten under way in Iraq."

The military wheeled out truck-mounted Stinger missiles this week, posting them around the capital region. The anti-aircraft weapons are the most visible sign of what officials call "a focused effort" in the region that also has Black Hawk helicopters swooping overhead, radar systems, and the usual post-Sept. 11 assortment of fighter planes patrolling the skies.

In response to the increased profits for war manufacturers and duct tape tycoons, the newly organized Smedley Butler Brigades began their effort to conscript everyone who stands to make a profit from the Iraq grab. The Brigades also intend to force these profiteers to accept the salary of the meanest private for the duration of the conflict which has apparently already begun. Yesterday, the Butler Brigades expanded their demands to include the war on terror. The organizations leader, 20 year old Annapolis cadet, Douglas MacArthur told the Assassinated Press, "If they want a permanent war footing, we're going to see that they don't making a dime off my people's misery. All CEO's, military brass, elected and appointed officials, all and any who stand to profit from this war must desist and accept conscription along with the pay level accorded the lowest conscript for the duration. Further, all of their current assets will be frozen and placed in blind trusts to be administered by us, the people used as fodder."

The movement has grown from a small core group of 12 members at the Naval Academy in Annapolis to now include an estimated 136,000 draft age men at academies, campuses, prisons and communities around the country. Major General Smedley Butler's classic book, "War Is A Racket" along with his memoir, "I Was A Racketeer For Capitalism" have both reached the top ten on the New York Times and Washington Post's non-fiction best seller list.

"The war to grab Iraqi oil has already begun. There's not a moment to waste," added cadet MacArthur. How safe is Washington DC? "Why don't you ask the geniuses who got rich off U.S. foreign policy these past decades," said Maj. Barry Venable, a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command. "You'd think they would have kept a tab on how many billions of people might seek revenge for the brutality and misery visited their countries by the U.S. elite. Fuck. You'd think a few Americans might even know the names of these countries much less what the U.S. did to them."

But that's not how it seems to Craig Smith, manager of Strosniders Hardware in affluent Bethesda, Md., where the purchase of duct tape, plastic sheeting and flashlights has reached fever pitch.

"They take it from us just as fast as we can get it on the floor. I thought these Bethesda/ Chevy Chase people were smart." Smith said. When asked about the Butler Brigades Smith answered, "Yeah. They been by. Said they were going to conscript me and tax me. Unnerved me. There were a lot of them and serious. They had electronically listed me in the marines and technically I'm AWOL. I understand George W. Bush's bank accounts have been frozen and that he was due to report to Fort Dix on the 11th."

The family-owned store has sold about 3,000 rolls of duct tape this week, after the Bush administration recommended citizens buy materials to seal windows in case of an attack with biological, chemical or radioactive weapons. But such precautionary advice seems to exacerbate fears.

As the hardware stores in upper Northwest Washington DC ran out, widespread looting and rioting were reported along the Connecticut and Wisconsin Avenue corridors as the stooge class grew desperate for duct tape. In one singularly tragic incident, cartoon character, Bill O'Reilly, was shotgunned by his neighbor as O'Reilly tried to steal a half used role of duct tape from his neighbor's veranda. The neighbor, White House Counsel Karl Rove, upon hearing he had shot dead the revered master of the verbal pratfall, O'Reilly, responded, "Who gives a fuck? He was goin' for my duct tape. I'd a shot Alex Trebek under those circumstances."

By contrast a hardware store in Hyattsville, MD, where blacks and hispanics make up the majority population and clientele, reported a decline in the sale of duct tape. "Shit man. We gotta worry about real threats every day over here, like from the police and the implementation of the racist ideas of those 'white asses' all in a tizzy over Tom Ridge's version of War of the Worlds over there in Northwest. Still, I woulda liked to have gotten in on that duct tape deal. There's gotta be an angle somewhere?" mused the store manager, Levi Stubbs.

"Fuck. The 3M duct tape thing is a sop to the Canadians for going along with us on this Iraqi thing," admitted White House pressboy, Ari Fleischer.

Earlier this week, Virginia Pentagon contractors grew anxious when they started receiving copies of "Your Guide to Emergency Preparedness Profit," a long-planned booklet published by a regional commission. "We didn't know what product to have on hand. I mean we got sarin, VX and anthrax and it turned out duct tape was the winner," bemoaned Advanced Life Altering Systems, CEO, General William 'Billy' Clubb, ret., manufacturer of the Pentagon's 'Fusillade of Blood' smart weapon.

"Then the government said go out and buy duct tape and plastic sheeting and people got even more nervous," said Shaw, the school spokeswoman. "Every time you turn on the news there's something else," she added, referring to reports that Don Rumsfeld had been encouraging citizens to go out and buy the home Stinger Missile System from a firm he currently heads in Virginia. "Who woulda thought duct tape. I just want to make a buck like the next guy," Rumsfeld added striking his best common man pose for the cameras.

Anxiety is particularly acute in the Capitol complex, where drug-sniffing dogs now roam the hallways and members of Congress, who in a just world should be considered targets, are advised to momentarily stop heavy alcohol and drug use on capitol grounds and avoid walking outside where mobs of angry U.S. citizens and Butler Brigades may soon gather and instead use the maze of underground corridors where no one has to look at their greedy assed faces.

"The white part of the city is tense," said Martha Knisley, director of the District of Columbia mental health department. "What is that!? Guilt? Do they know something such as the terrorists actually intend to target their oppressors? After all, a lot of people in the World Trade Center knew the score. They had helped keep capital's boot on the neck of the world's people for a long time."

Inside the Capitol yesterday, a tour guide instructed a tourist group, "If there is any reason we might have to evacuate, its every man for himself. I used to be with the Park Service, but now because of Bush's handlers' proposals I work for a private firm, Who Gives A Shit As Long As I Get Mine, Ltd., owned by Jeb Bush, for minimum wage and no benefits. So you tourists from Florida can save your own sorry asses."

Capitol Police have started carrying their "escape hoods," which act as a method of beating innocent citizens anonymously, as well as MP-5 machine guns and G-36 assault rifles to bring lethal and efficient calm and control to a panic situation.

"We're making those people very visible," Capitol Police Chief Terrance Gainer said. "If it looks different to terrorists, they know were spooked and trigger happy."

Most frightened are the 20,000 employees in the Capitol and surrounding buildings, who feel the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania on Sept. 11 was headed their way.

"If you operate under the unfinished-business theory e.g. the unfinished business the U. S. has in the Middle east," said Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.), "then the Capitol environs should be a target however remote compared to the millions of people we intend to kill with policies emanating from this very building.."

My Copy Right Or Wrong The Assassinated Press 2003.