The Assassinated Press

North Korea Says 'Boo' To Bush Bullies:
Isolated U.S. Buys Nuke Panel Action:
Kim Jong Il Dons Bush Mask And Does A Chicken Walk Before the International Press

The Assassinated Press

January 6, 2003, 10:50 AM EST

WASHINGTON -- Caught in a contradiction by their tough rhetoric on Iraq for months, the United States on Monday expressed relief at a decision by the U.N. nuclear agency that stated it deplored actions by North Korea to prevent inspection of its weapons programs. "I mean we were walking around around talkin' loud and scratchin' our balls about how we were the biggest and the baddest, and then this North Korean cold fish cracked us upside the mug. We can talk all that world domination shit, but North Korea has got some pop of its own as well as Russia's and China's ultimate support---and no fuckin' oil. Man, we've got to learn to think through this 'axis of evil' shit," muttered a visibly rattled Paul Wolfowitz.

"The Cheney administration should thank its lucky stars that China and Russia have so many security arrangements aka business deals with the U.S. kleptocracy now. Money may not be able to buy you love, but its good for a few votes in the U.N.," said former Secretary of State and international war criminal, Henry Kissinger. Kissinger added, "I'm delighted to see that Kim Jong Il has taken a page from my Vietnam diplomacy play book." It has been remarked upon by many career diplomats just how much the North Korean's approach resembles Kissinger's Madman Theory which portrayed Nixon as having lost his mind and capable of the most unspeakable aggression against the North Vietnamese. Unlike Nixon, in Kim Jong Il's case the aggression takes the form of one or two small nuclear weapons, not the tens of thousands the U.S. had and still has in its arsenal.

Meanwhile, at a press conference in Pyongyang, Kim Jong Il put on a latex mask of George W. Bush and proceeded to do a chicken walk back and forth across the stage. With several hundred foreign journalists present the Korean leader mocked the U.S. administration flapping his arms like chicken wings and making 'bock-bock-ba' sounds to uproariously laughter from all present.

The U.N. resolution was approved in Vienna by the consensus vote of all 35 nations, said John Wolf, an assistant secretary of state. "It is a very good deal; a few more trillion in quid pro quos but we are pleased," Wolf told reporters at the State Department.

He said he hoped North Korea would begin the process of restoring cameras in female employees showers and other detection devices that were removed as part of a decision to assert its right as a sovereign nation to develop weapon's programs just like the big boys.

Still talking tough and carrying a big stick up his ass, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld said, "We got nukes because we're the biggest and the baddest and they help us stay that way. Israel and Great Britain have got nukes because we are the biggest and the baddest and say they can have them. Its for deterrence. We want to deter anyone from trying to stop us from stealing their natural resources aka oil."

When asked why France had nukes, the Secretary just shrugged and blew air through his lips so that they flapped like a fart through his Depends.

"We would expect North Korea would pay attention to our ability to buy resolutions," Wolf said, noting that countries as diverse as China and Cuba all supported the resolution that deplored North Korea's actions in the strongest terms in expectation of favors and gratuities down the line. In the case of Cuba, the quid pro quo takes the form of any easing of U.S. aggression against the tiny island nation.

"It's important to see this as a time-shared challenge," Wolf said.

Mohamed elBaradei, who heads the International Atomic Energy Agency, will present the findings to North Korea and try again to induce it to talk about meeting its obligations under the international nuclear non-proliferation treaty even as the U.S. has millions of kilotons pointed at the northern half of the peninsula.

Meanwhile, around the Pentagon there was talk of digging up Douglas MacArthur and cloning him using his DNA. Tommy Franks was overheard shouting, "Fuck! They shoulda picked Mac to lead that coup against Roosevelt instead of that populist, little shit Smedley Butler. They shoulda known Butler didn't have the stomach for it. With Doug the world be a cinder. But, dammit, it would be our cinder!"

My copy right or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press