The Assassinated Press

France Seeks To Establish Several Military Bases In the U.S.

c. The Assassinated Press

Washington AP. French Defense Minister Alain Richard was in Washington to meet with Pentagon officials about the likelihood that France will soon establish three or, possibly four, military bases in the United States. The U.S. versions of the bases are slated for closing because of DoD cutbacks and intractable toxic pollution cleanup problems.

"So far the bases which the Americans are offering are not appropriate to address the threat which France faces in the region," Richard said. Asked to elaborate Richard continued, "France and the rest of the European Union see Canada as a destabilizing force in the Northern Hemisphere. Therefore, we seek to maintain French security interests in the region by enhancing our strike capabilities" against the U.S.'s friendly adversary to the north.

Some experts see this as an attempt by France to retake french speaking Quebec Province by forcing the Americans to allow them to stage attacks from U.S. soil. Richard vehemently denied this adding,"Anyway what if we did [have designs on Quebec.] The U.S. has designs on Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Turkmenistan, Tajikstan, Azerbaijan and a lot of other real estate. Where did you think we got the idea from?"

It has been reported that France has been offered Beale Air Force Base in Marysville, CA, Fort Ord in Monterey, CA and Kelly Air Force Base in San Antonio, TX as permanent platforms for staging attacks to protect its security in the region. France would prefer Fairchild AFB in Spokane, WA or Fort Richardson in Anchorage, AK, but the Bush administration is reluctant to give up these sites which, though they are toxic wastelands, are not slated for closing.

"The distance to strike Ontario or Toronto is too far from these California bases though after Apocalypse Now some of our boys love to surf, "said Richard.

The DoD is anxious to strike a deal with the French because the government of French Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin has pledged to clean up environmental problems at any site the French government is allowed to lease for the long term or buy outright. But already Raffarin has refused an offer to have the Rocky Mountain Arsenal turned over to the French government for the price of one franc. "It's too polluted. We sent an advance team and they all developed lesions that after a few months entirely cleaved their bodies in two. Cleanup would be too expensive." The Bush administration is now considering building a Federal prison on the site.

"I'd like to see anybody but the French," said restaurant owner, Mel Tomain. "They're so fussy about their food. But if it will help the local economy, I'm all for it."

But some in the administration and Congress are skeptical about France's sudden desire to occupy American soil. "I don't trust 'em," said Trent Loott. "I think they've read The Project For The New American Century's 'Rebuilding American Defenses' recommendations."

When queried Richard replied, "Yes, we have read the document. We secreted a copy off of, how you call it, the Internet." Richard said that in the document French authorities and other members of the EU were shocked to find that the report cited Europe itself as the greatest threat to U. S. world domination. "Many of the people involved in the strategy paper like Paul Wolfowitz and Lewis Libby, now hold high positions in the Bush administration," Richard pointed out.

He went on further to point out that a number of events, which have recently come to pass, were laid out in the paper. "The report makes clear that the Yugoslav/Kosovo conflict was a pretext and a set up. The paper makes clear that U.S. bases must be shifted away from Western Europe and re-established in South Eastern Europe. With the U.S.'s new colony, Britain, on the other flank, this amounts to a geopolitical containment of the European Union."

To bolster his claim just this week NATO announced that it plans to admit 7 former Eastern Bloc countries: Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia. This follows in the wake of the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland joining NATO. "Now we got them ingrates hemmed in," General Wesley Clark was heard to howl from his crapper as he read his morning reports. "Now our task is to take the blood letting that we accomplished in Eastern Europe and turn it into to something O positive," chuckled the charming Don Rumsfeld at a later press conference. "With a ring of bases around Europe it should be easier to intimidate the EU into rubber stamping any action we care to carry out around the world. Let the French buy some bum real estate in Texas. What the fuck to I care. Friends of the Bush's hold the lease on the San Antonio base anyway. Anything to keep those greedy morons happy," snarled Rumsfeld, whom Henry Kissinger called "the most ruthless man he had ever met."

"Thank God Americans can't read. They let us pollute them to death in their own back yards. But those Europeans damn them," making an obvious reference to the wide circulation in Europe of the PNAC recommendations. "And thank God for the mass media here in the U.S. Goebbels never had it so good."

In fact, a European stone mason contacted this reporter and gave me a synopsis of the PNAC blue print for world domination which included surrounding Europe with U.S. controlled proxies like Latvia and Britain; the use of nuclear weapons to destroy water tables; scuttle the Crusader missile; two major theater invasion capacity; the divine right of the U.S. to own the world based on Enlightenment principles; the necessary destruction of the Balkans; the revival of a space based SDI patterned after the imaginary research of Edward Teller and Lowell Wood; the intention to invade Iraq for reasons of security e.g. 'secure' the oil; the need to rebuild the nuclear arsenal to defend against other countries with the bomb like Pakistan, France and India; the U.S. right to be the cop of the world; the need to eventually take out Iran; take out China (as opposed to Chinese takeout); and take another swipe at Vietnam; abandon Japan and Korea and create a new security zone in Southeast Asia; the need to keep China from slipping into the Caspian Basin with its huge oil and gas reserves; bolster Turkey which means yet another betrayal of the Kurds; obscene amounts of blood money; total conquest and subjugation of the world's peoples and resources.

"Nothing fucking personal," quipped Rumsfeld. "On this scale how can it be personal?"

Copyright 1939 The Assassinated Press