The Assassinated Press
War Swap; "Meet Your New Army":
New Survivor Series In The Works: America's Iraqi "Red Dawn" Inspires FOX Executives
By YASO ADIODI
The Assassinated Press
BURBANK, CA---Move over American Idol. Move over Survivor. Fugeddubotit Wife Swap. There's a new reality show being readied for American audiences and its the BOMB! Literally. The Assassinated Press has learned that the FOX Television Network in conjunction with Gerrymander Home Entertainment has launched production of a new reality show designed to bring the war in Iraq into your home---literally!
"The premise of the show is simple," explains FOX Vice President for Reality Programming Joel Fretter. "We contract with a brigade of foreign troops from another country or maybe sign a deal with a security service that specializes in mercs like Wackenhut, Custer Battles, Dyncorp or Blackwater. You get the picture. Any way we build this armed force to brigade level, maybe eight or nine thousand personnel, and then, after a couple of weeks of carpet bombing, we ferry them in to attack a population center in the U.S. Say Palm Springs or Orange County. Then, with our cameras rolling, we see how Americans react when placed in Iraqi shoes. Do they wear shoes in Iraq?"
"Will Orange County look upon the invaders as liberators and smother their asses in flowers for having delivered them from the draconian taxes the rich are forced to pay in this god forsaken tax and spend , socialist country?" FOX's Fretter mused.
Former CIA heads Frank Carlucci and William Webster are listed as project consultants. After meetings with experts in the State Terror field including George Bush Sr., Alexander Haig, Bill Clinton, Madeleine Albright, Zbigniew Brzezinski, Henry Kissinger, Gen. Wesley Clark, Gen. Tommy Franks, General Norman Schwartzkopf, Robert McNamara and the late Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Edward Teller and Curtis LeMay, Carlucci and Webster have concluded that the Taliban, al-Qaeda or the Sudanese Janjaweed would make for the most convincing invading force.
But dozens of other candidates are lining up for a shot at laying waste to Orange County, CA or Hunting Valley, Ohio. Though the average age is 68, a contingent of former Viet Cong and North Vietnamese regular army have said they will invade Orange County for free. Further, they have offered to use only left over weapons captured from the Americans during the Invasion of Vietnam, an offer Merdeduck, an Australian with his eye on the bottom line, described as "very, very tempting." But when that offer was rejected by the shows producers, the Viet Minh offered to use French colonial weapons. "Can't fault those little buggers for enthusiasm," Fretter said. "But Vietnam? That's ancient history."
Merdeduck is confident that whatever wealthy locale is chosen, nouveau riche or patrician, the residents will be eager to sign on the dotted line. "Shits like the people living in these rich enclaves and gated communities understand the bottom line. Fuck. Given the huge investment the U.S. kleptocracy has in FOX, most of theses fuckers stand to make a shitload of money if the show is a success. Providing they survive, that is."
However, former Lt. Colonel Oliver North and his business partners, Saudi businessman Adnan Khashoggi and fellow Iran-contra felon Richard Secord, are pushing for a reunion of the old Nicaraguan contras while the Cheney administration, pressured by Jeb Bush, has been trying to interest FOX in signing the Cuban exile group 2506 Brigade. FOX CEO Rumphurt Merdeduck says he has not decided which group will form his prime time reality show occupation force. "The Cubans are intriguing, but for sheer bloodthirstiness I wish we could get the Salvadoran Treasury police or the Guatemalan White Hand to come out of retirement. Has the White Hand disbanded? They were always such reliable chaps."
Naturally, FTD Florists would like to get the contract to organize the invading force. "If the subject peoples of Orange County are going to throw flowers who better to assess their true intent than florists," pointed out FTD Spokesperson Sunflower. (Many florists use only one name.) We could interpret the intelligence better than anybody. If they're throwing petunias and daffodils, well then OK. But if they're throwing wreaths and lillies, one might question they're true intentions. I mean, this is Orange County. One minute you get a smile and a handshake, they're all fuckin' friendly. Then the next minute they stab you in the back and give the part of the adorable axe murderer to Joe Pesci. You just can't tell friend from foe around here."
For parity, FOX executives were eager to contract the Iraqi Sunni insurgency but "they were otherwise occupied," Merdeduck said.
Other groups being consider are remnants of the Khmer Rouge, Sendero Luminoso, the FMLN, a brigade from the Pakistani military, the Pathet Lao, a contingent from the Indonesian military, Saudi and Syrian security forces, British, French, Danish, German and Israeli special forces, North Korea, the KLA, the Tamil Tigers, various military organizations from eastern Europe including Belarus, Serbia, Ukraine and Albania. "We're talking to a lot people eager to sign on. Most of the world really hates those fuckers hold up in Orange County."
Viva La Resistance--- To Outsourcing
"I say buy American," insisted Madison Avenue PR executive Edward Bernays. "Where's the Weather Underground, the SLA, the Michigan Militia? What about the National Socialists or American Nazi Party? The Christian Identity groups? Why not bring back the Branch Davidians for round 2. To hell with all this outsourcing. What? American armed cadres are not good enough? Why not use a brigade of U.S. Army enlistees? They may not be well equipped, but what they lack in armament and training, they make up for in incentive. The Orange County rich shits they'd be attacking have been fucking them over for generations. Orange County or Palm Springs would be a far more exotic experience for them than Afghanistan or Iraq. You've seen the new numbers on the disposition of wealth."
"Shit. If you're gonna do that, you might as well sign up soon-to-be ex-GM workers or former airline, textile or Enron employees. Besides those poor, jobless American fucks are too maxed out to pick up a weapon and go after their tormentors," responded Merdeduck.
Nor has FOX settled on a city or township to invade. "Palm Springs is high on the list," said Merdeduck. "But Orange County is intriguing too, given their overwhelming and continuing support for the invasion of Iraq and their high profile. They must be seasoned combat folk given how confidentially they back the Cheney neo-cons in the glorious patriotic war against Iraq."
Also, mentioned for possible invasion are Chevy Chase in Northwest Washington DC and the nearby Maryland suburbs, Westover Hills, Texas and Hunting Valley, Ohio. But they lack the name recognition and advertisers have balked when their names have come up. "This idea will sell soap," said CEO of Proctor & Gamble Alan Lafley. "But people won't watch if its a bunch of Washington apparatchiks and fellow travelers being bombed, tortured and killed," an obvious thumbs down response to the suggestion that Chevy Chase be used as the invasion site.
"We just start softening up the neighborhood a couple of days before the assault and then ferry in the brigade by helicopter and armored cavalry. Then our mercs or nationalists would just take down the motherfucker," said Merdeduck. "Then once we've occupied the area, we observe how the natives deal with the invaders. I mean, would the residents of Palm Springs greet the invaders with open arms and flowers? Would they tear down the statues of John Wayne to please the occupiers? Would they turn in their neighbors? All intriguing questions based on a premise which is the foundation of reality TV." The idea of hiring Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith as consultants was turned down in the first hours of production.
But enthusiasm for the show is not universal. Stephen Hunter, film reviewer for the Washington Post said, "The premise of the show is absurd on the face of it. What kind of reasonable expectation could you have that after carpet bombing a gated community back into the stone age that the subsequent invading force would be welcomed with carpets of flowers, grinning group photos and three ways in the pool cabanas. That's not reality TV. Its surreal. As savvy as FOX is about invasions, they should know better than to risk stockholders' money in such a doomed project."
Hunter went on: "I don't know how the people of, say, Palm Springs will defend themselves without access to their proxy fodder from poor rural America and the ghettos, but I suspect resist they will. After all they ARE used to getting their way."
"I think they'll all go Vichy and start turning each other in," said long time Palm Springs resident, Gasby Marll who played the pedophile, junkie uncle on the 70's sitcom Ripe For the Pickin'. These fucks are a bunch of cowardly duplicitous shits leeching off the world from behind their security fences in gated communities. They're a bunch of self-absorbed, selfish bastards. Did I mention I haven't worked since 1980. Anything for me on the new show. Snitch? Torturer? Arms Dealer?"
"I'm just trying to decide what kind of flowers to throw at the invaders when they through," said long time Orange County Native Lucy Diamond.
Agent Orange County
"Shit. I doubt they'll throw flowers. But I tell you one thing. They won't throw their money, that's for sure, these tightfisted cocksuckers," said gardener to the former stars, Emmanuel Lopez. "Sometimes I fill the sprinkler system with Agent Orange and when the fucks come out to get their paper, I 'accidentally' turn it on. If I hate these cocksuckers that much, they must be lining up around the world to be a member of that invading force. I could put together an army of a million in El Salvador alone if these Orange County shits were the target.
"Fuck I'd fill the sprinkler with napalm," said former Hmong tribesman turned dry cleaner Quo Doc.
"Initially, a focus group showed a lot of enthusiasm for a computerized pilot based on the reality series idea" said Bernays. "But as the day wore on and the group missed more and more of its usual daytime TV viewing to participate in the focus session, excitement for the project waned and grousing began about the series producers and the whole set of premises behind the project.'
"Fuck that," shot back Merdeduck. "We see the reality series as a smash. We're making TV history here."