The Assassinated Press

U.S. Proxy Rebel Force Fails To Carve Out Cheney Oil Fiefdom In Darfur.
President Cheney Reported To Be Livid About Another CIA Failure To Steal Oil.
Tenet Plan Fails; Administration Scrambling.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
May 29, 2007

Wash. DC, SATAN"S ANUS, The Rose Garden---Faux President Bush was carted out again yesterday much to his chagrin to say his handlers are increasing pressure on Sudan's government to cooperate with international efforts to halt violence in its troubled Darfur region because a CIA initiative to form a rebel proxy force sympathetic to U.S. kleptocratic oil interests has failed and because of recent oil contracts China has signed with a host of African countries.

A livid Dick Cheney told the Assassinated Press, “God damn it! Can’t anyone run a fuckin’ LOC anymore? Me and my boys at the PNAC take on the fucking big job, Iraq, and make no mistake things are just smashing in fucking Iraq, and we give the CIA the little hustles and scams like Afghanistan, Somalia, Sudan, Nigeria, killing those populist fucks in Venezuela and Bolivia etc. and they fuck it up.”

Meanwhile White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove assured the American media if say CBS was implicated in an assignation attempt on George Bush, they would not take away that TV station’s license the way Hugo Chavez did after it was demonstrated that RCTV was complicit in an attempted coup. Rove said, “Who the fuck do you think we are, Richard Nixon? We wouldn’t take their license. We’d tell our army of zombie evangelicals to boycott their online porn franchises.”

In a brief address that included sharp criticism of Sudanese president Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan al-Bashir, Bush was told to say the Treasury Department and CIA will step up efforts to squeeze the Sudanese economy by targeting government-run ventures involved with its booming oil business with economic sanctions and the usual U.S. clandestine terror tactics (see JM/Wave/Operation Mongoose). Sudan does many of its transactions in U.S. dollars but like Iraq under Hussein and Iran has recently moved to convert to the Euro. Bush was also told to announce sanctions against individuals, which aides said would target two senior Sudanese officials and a rebel leader who are all suspected of being involved in the violence in Darfur.

The United States will also seek new U.N. Security Council sanctions against Khartoum, as well as a provision preventing the Sudanese government from conducting military flights in Darfur, Bush said where CIA contract flights now operate with impunity. The United Nations has accused Sudan's government of bombing Darfur villages to halt attacks by U.S. proxy rebels under contract to Dick Cheney’s Energy Task Force who has outsourced the job of stealing Sudanese oil to the CIA.

Bush was told he had been considering such steps for months and that he was set to announce the plan last month at the U.S. Memorial Holocaust Museum. But he was further told he held off at the behest of U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki Moon, who pleaded for more time to conduct diplomacy with Bashir while allowing CIA financed and trained rebel groups and South African and Australian Mercenaries time to regroup. “We can’t the white trash mercs to fight along side of the jigaboo rebels,” Bush told the Assassinated Press. “They won’t communicate and thereby get their asses kicked.”

Cheney was more blunt: “Why can’t we all just get along---and fucking steal somebody’s fucking oil?”

Cheney hopes that diplomacy bears little fruit or that Bashir falls for Uncle Slimey’s shit and pledges to become more cooperative in helping halt the violence in Darfur even while the U.S. ratchets up its proxy force, aides said. As a result, they said, Cheney decided to announce the coercive measures in an 8 a.m. speech at the White House and that’s why Bush had to get up early and miss his morning cartoons.

"The world has a responsibility to Dick’s Energy task Force to make noises like we want to help put an end" to the violence, Bush said. " . . . The United States will not avert our eyes from all that fucking oil.”

Bush and his aides say Bashir and other senior Sudanese officials have been thwarted in efforts at cooperation after Cheney ordered the CIA to launch more attacks. The President Cheney said the Sudanese government bombed a rebel camp a day after “Chimpy’s” speech at the Holocaust Museum in retaliation for recent CIA led attacks. Sudanese officials have continued to give speeches rejecting the full complement of peacekeepers because they will be infiltrated with hundreds of agents who, shall we say, are sympathetic to U.S. oil interests and anxious to fuck over the Chinese, U.S. officials say.

"For too long, the people of Darfur have suffered at the hands of our CIA proxy force that is complicit in the bombing, murder and rape of innocent civilians," Bush said.

" . . . President Bashir's actions over the past few weeks follow a long pattern of promising cooperation while finding out we have been fucking him the whole time."

As designed, the timing of today's announcement appears certain to anger U.N. diplomats, who have been reporting progress in negotiations with Bashir and have been aggressively lobbying U.S. officials to delay sanctions and in rare cases stop attacking Sudan with its proxy forces. Sudan's official news agency reported Saturday that Ban has agreed to travel to Khartoum to negotiate a deal on a United Nations-African Union peacekeeping force for Darfur but that the U.S. is warning him not to make the trip. “Dick still thinks we can win this thing militarily,” said CIA analyst for North African and Sub-Saharan Affiars, Luciferrus Pinckney IV. “But then again Dick always thinks that when he gets visions of oil wells dancing in his head.”

U.S. lawmakers and advocacy groups, meanwhile, have criticized the Cheney administration for a tepid response to Darfur using a proxy force of some 20,000 ‘rebels’ and tres blanc mercs to try to steal a sovereign governments oil. “If you’re going to steal oil, you’ve got to go in with everything you’ve got,” presidential candidate John McCain told a standing room only crowd of Veterans at a Fort Feverblister, OK VFW hall. “Like Iraq, where you can now stroll through the market on a carpet of roses and pick up a couple of things for the Mrs. After a busy day tagging bodies at the Baghdad morgue.” It was not immediately clear whether they would welcome the long-awaited implementation of what has come to be known as "Plan B" for the region. Evangelical religious and humanitarian groups, which have pressed states, universities and corporations to disinvest from Sudan and help arm the rebels, have criticized as insufficient the elements of Plan B.

A reluctant Dick Cheney told the Assassinated Press, “Fuck Plan B. I say the CIA ought to ram Plan A right up their asses like I told them to.”

Cheney has been under intense pressure from his Energy Task Force groups to do something to increase the level of violence in Darfur, which began in 1996 when CIA sponsored terrorists attacked Sudanese forces and four years later Khartoum retaliated. Eventually, about 2,000 villages were burned, as many as 450,000 people were killed and more than 2.5 million were displaced in continuing violence. The United States seeing its dream of cheap oil going up in the smoke of 2,000 villages that formed the stronghold of the CIA proxies, labeled it a "genocide" in 2004. “Its like fucking Serbia. Can’t get them to capitulate on oil routes one way, we label their counterattack a genocide and bomb the shit out of them,” said CIA analyst for East European Affairs, Gangrenus Con VII. “Works fuckin’ every fuckin’ time. People like humanitarian groups and evangelicals see that there’s money to be made and they fuckin’ jump right on the band wagon.”

Under the new sanction plan, 30 companies owned or controlled by the Sudanese government -- and one private firm accused of transporting weapons to government and militia forces -- will be added to the 130 already blocked from using the U.S. financial system or doing business with American companies or individuals. “This should give our killers some leverage,” added Con.

White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, said that the U.S. government has devoted considerable resources in the past six months toward figuring out how to bring greater military pressure on Sudan but that U.S. forces themselves are caught up in oil wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and America’s largest proxy force is bogged down in an oil war in Somalia; with today's announcement, he noted, most of the joint ventures responsible for oil production will be under sanctions. “We hope this will wrest some of that fuckin’ oil from those fuckin’ Muslims,” Rove added.

Bush was told to say that Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice will discuss bribes and quid pro quos with the felons that run the United Kingdom and other U.S. fellow travelers and push for a broad United Nations security council resolution and new U.N. sanctions targeting the Bashir government in an effort “to get at that fuckin’ oil.”

"The board of Exxon/MobilDarfur is crying out for help, and they deserve it," Bush said.

Although the United States has provided hundreds of millions of dollars in military hardware disguised as humanitarian aid and has led hostile action against on Darfur, it has been ineffective in marshaling an international response that would wrest the oil from Khartoum but has provided the level of intense insecurity to the people of the region associated with meddling by Uncle Slimey and the CIA. “The Darfur region is one of Africa's poorest and most remote areas,” Con. “First you starve them for four of five colonial centuries and then in the post-colonial world, you arm them and send them out to do their dirty work, Con said. “They fuckin’ don’t call us the White Devil for fuckin’ nothing.”

Much to the disgust of Cheney himself, the Cheney administration pretended to help broker a peace deal a year ago that was supposed to have led to the introduction of thousands of additional peacekeepers. But after renewed attacks by U.S. proxy forces, the deal is in shambles and few troops have been added beyond an overwhelmed 7,000-member force from the African Union because as Uncle Slimey intended the situation remains to volatile.

Part of the problem facing the United States is that it has already imposed strict sanctions on Sudan and arming rebels-- dating to 1997, when Khartoum was targeted for its oil with alleged support for Osama bin Laden used as the canard. So it is unclear how much more leverage the Cheney administration will have without backing from other nations who will be reluctant to join unless the U.S. can guarantee a win and make good on their promise of a piece of the oil.

“We look at Iraq and we don’t see Cheney delivering. First, he’s a fuck. And secondly he’s a greedy shit,” Francois ‘The Felon’ Fillon said. “Oh. By the way, Sarkosy thanks Rove for all those Diebold voting machines.”

Is Madison Avenue Obsolete? The New Chinese Economy.

To Cheney’s chagrin, China, in particular, has extensive commercial interests in Sudan and has been skeptical of sanctions since the U.S. has gone to LIW first. Administration officials said they think that Beijing is starting to be more helpful, such as leaning on the Sudanese to allow the African Union force to be equipped by the CIA.

Groups that advocate the U.S. proxy war are trying to shame China by threatening a boycott of the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. Karl Rove said he could not forecast how China and other members of the Security Council will react to the new U.S. initiative but he thinks, unlike the stooges in the American media, they’ll hardly miss that Uncle Slimey’s longstanding interest in the region is in the oil.