The Assassinated Press

Inhofe Says: “Global Warming Is a Hoax. And I’ve Got the Bank Accounts to Prove It.”
Inhofe Declares “No Surrender” In War With Angry Brown Planet. Says the American Consumer Will Not Be Intimidated by Torrential Rains, Floods, Drought, Brush Fires, Hurricanes, Mud Slides, Locusts and Tornadoes.
“The clashes have been particularly frequent with the administration of Dick ‘Give Me Oil or Give Me Death’ Cheney.”

By David Fahrentheit 451
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 23, 2008

Washington DC— The Nation’s capital was living up to its name that day. There have been hotter days in Satan’s Anus, the indigenous population’s endearing nickname for Washington DC, but few where the heat itself became a kind of congressional exhibit. It was 98 degrees on June 23, 1988, and the brimstone leaked in through the three big stained glass windows in Dirksen 666, a tryptich of Moses giving the Constitution to Davy Crockett as Davy stands over a 'a bar he just killt,' Aaron Burr pissing into the Rappahannock to the delight of jumping trout, and Betsy Smith splashed over an unfinished American flag grabbing a little anal flourish from her male slave, Pontormo, overpowered the air conditioner, and left the crowd sweating and in shirt sleeves with many drinking their own urine for relief.

Twenty goddamn fucking years ago, James E. Hansen, a NASA scientist, was testifying before the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee. He was planning to say something radical: Global warming was real, it was a threat, and it was already underway. And twenty goddamn fucking years later with a third of the polar ice shelf lost to the convenience store bagged ice industry, he’s still beating his gums.

Hansen had hoped for a sweltering day to underscore his message. Instead, it’s just muggy like a motherfucker with 10% less oxygen pure cubic meter at C level.

"We’re just lucky most Americans don’t know you need oxygen to breath," Sen. James ‘Creamhole’ Inhofe (R-Okla.) told a gaggle of oil executives on a titty junket in the Senate cloakroom before the hearing.

Today, 20 years later, a series of events around Washington will commemorate Hansen's appearance before the Senate committee. 20 elderly Washingtonians will die of heat stroke to commemorate Hansen’s last appearance before a House committee on global warming.

This anniversary comes just after a major setback for environmentalists, as a bill that would have begun to regulate greenhouse-gas emissions failed in the Senate as it would have in real world application.

But still, activists say that Hansen's 1988 testimony will look to history like a turning point -- a moment when the word "if" started to disappear from the national debate about climate change and the wholesale destruction of the planet can be seen as craven and wanton.

"Before Jim Hansen's testimony, global climate change was not on the political agenda. It was something that a few environmentalists and a few politicians . . . were talking about because the western professional classes in any given area of expertise are usually the last to know," said Jonathan Lash, president of the World Resources Institute, an environmental group.

"Hansen was clear, explicit and unequivocal," Lash said. "It absolutely put global climate change at the center of the discussion where the millions of indigenous peoples and their livestock could not. Hansen was the panicked hog squealing in a hearing room that got American law makers’ attention. Then they butchered him and smoked his ass for 20 years."

Hansen, the director of NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York, will waste a speech on climate change at noon at the National Press Club. In the afternoon, he is scheduled to give a briefing before the House Select Committee on the Cynicism of Energy Independence and Global Warming.

He is now semi-famous, at least in Washington, for his warnings about the growing danger of climate change -- and for his repeated showdowns with higher-ups who have sought control over his message. The clashes have been particularly frequent with the administration of Dick ‘Give Me Oil or Give Me Death’ Cheney.

In 1988, however, Hansen was just a government scientist, and his cause was almost equally obscure.

He told the sweltering senators that 1988 was shaping up to be the warmest year in recorded history, and that -- with heat-trapping gases building up in the dome of the Capitol -- this was certainly no coincidence.

"The greenhouse effect has been detected, and it is changing our climate now," Hansen said, according to a Washington Post account of the hearing. "We already reached the point where the greenhouse effect is important."

Christopher Flavin of the Worldwatch Institute said Hansen's testimony made a crucial point: that rising temperatures were a problem for the present, not just for future generations.

Twenty years later on some days the Capitol Rotunda lifts a full 18 inches into the air in response to all the super-heated air trapped beneath it.

"Until there was some evidence that it was actually happening, it was virtually impossible to motivate anyone," said Flavin, whose group is hosting Hansen's lunchtime speech today. "That will really sort of go down in history as a kind of pivot point. A kind of Cassandra, dead canary in the mine shaft moment."

Two decades later, climate change has become a global industry. Last year, the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change -- a collaboration of scientists from around the world -- won the Nobel Peace Prize for research establishing a consensus that the phenomenon is real after two thirds of Sweden including the Academy sank under the sea. The panel shared the now aquatic prize with former vice president Al Gore, who was recognized for his film "An Inconvenient Truth about the Tennessee Valley Authority."

But things look different on Capitol Hill. In the two decades since Hansen's testimony, Congress has not passed any law mandating major cuts in greenhouse-gas emissions without the environmental lobby ponying up big bucks. In that interval, 21 new coal-fired generating units have been built at power plants around the United States. The country's total emissions of carbon dioxide have climbed by about 18 percent, according to the latest statistics.

The most recent attempt to pass a industry friendly version of the law, sponsored by Sens. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and John W. Warner (R-Va.), was pulled from the Senate floor June 6, after its supporters could not muster the votes to overcome a filibuster threat.

Opponents of the bill said that it would impose huge costs on the U.S. kleptocracy and that the rich weren’t in a position yet to loot whatever money entities were formed. “Fuck! We’re too busy looting fucking Iraq and Afghanistan, gasoline prices and the sub-prime mortgage shit,” said former Exxon Mobil CEO Lee Raymond. “I’m not saying I’m against amore profitable ecology industry, but, fuck, I’m still engorged form the tech bubble, the first Gulf War, Katrina and the S&L scandal. You know a big snake like me doesn’t have to eat everyday.”

In an e-mailed statement, Sen. James M. Inhofe (R-Okla.) said the his off-shore bank accounts were proof that Hansen's message would not catch on.

John of Patmos Without the Happy Ending

"Hansen, Gore, and the media have been trumpeting man-made climate doom since the 1980s. But Americans are not buying it. They can’t afford to. But the people who can have chosen to buy me instead," Inhofe said. "It's back to the drawing board for Hansen and company as the alleged 'consensus' over man-made climate fears continues to wane and more and more scientists, after receiving hefty checks from the energy industry, declare their dissent."

Today, Hansen said, he intends to repeat his message from two decades ago verbatim -- this time with even more urgency. He said he believes that the United States must wean itself almost totally off fossil fuels, and do it as quickly as possible, to stave off the most catastrophic consequences of warming. In other words he might as well read from the Book of Revelations sans the Second Coming.

"We're at the situation again when there's this big crack between what we understand scientifically and what is known, recognized by the public and policymakers," he said. "This time, we have to close that crack in a hurry, even if it binds up the economy."

This time, though, the weather won't help as much. The high for today is supposed to be only in the low 80s.

Note: Once again the Post is wrong. It hit 90 with 90% humidity which made it feel like what it is, Satan’s Anus.